


The Curious Case of Dr. Spencer Reid

by severaance



Series: Transgender Reid Verse [1]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Homophobic Slurs, Light Angst, Other, Transgender Reid, it gets cute then it gets sexy then it gets sad, transgender character, transphobic slurs, ultimately a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-25 12:32:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6195274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/severaance/pseuds/severaance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And your names for the order, please?" The barista asked, eyes flickering expectantly between the two before her. </p>
<p>"Spencer," she answered, although she was not talking to the barista. "I'm Spencer." </p>
<p>The man before her had the same idea. "Derek."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Blame it on Dostoyevsky

**Author's Note:**

> wowza my first cm fic! this is the first multi chapter fic ive actually put effort into and im really excited to see how it turns out! so, just a few little notes - reid, in this verse, is a transgender woman. if you do not know what that means please put google to work. i will use terminology common in the trans community (i.e 'tucking') and, unfortunately, to represent the hurdles of trans people, there are slurs used in this work. if that makes you uncomfortable, please don't hesitate to exit this fic and go on your merry way. my biggest concern is making readers feel comfortable! enough babbling on my end now, on with it!

In hind sight, Spencer knew it was a horrible idea. Multitasking and hand eye coordination had never been her forte, but she was so enthralled by Dostoyevsky's "The Idiot" in its original Russian -despite the fact that she'd read it six times, as the tattered pages indicated- she didn't even notice the stranger in front of her before she barreled into them, consequently spilling the coffee in her free hand all over her pants. The book clattered to the sidewalk outside of the cafe, and as she bent to pick it up, stuttering and stammering in an attempt to begin apologizing to the hard body she had collided with, she felt her fingers brush against a dark, calloused hand. Her eyes snapped up to the face belonging to the hand and her breath caught in her throat. 

"Oh no, he's hot." She thought to herself. She remained the slightly uncomfortable eye contact until the man cleared his throat and grinned, gracefully standing from his crouching position, her book clutched in his hand. 

"'The Idiot'", he commented, "Is that a dig at me?" He laughed, his grin widening, and oh lord does he wash his mouth with Clorox because damn, those teeth, son. 

Spencer didn't find it as funny as the stranger in front of her did. "No, no, of course not. Actually, the book's name is misleading - it details the journey of a good-hearted prince who's often perceived as a lesser being in terms of intellectual capacity because of his kind nature. I always identified with Lebedyev; he had such encyclopedic knowledge, and, although a minor character, made a large impact on me. I always thought his omniscience was Biblically allegorical, almost similar to Jesus, or even the prophet Elijah, similar to The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, an unintentional parable on C.S Lewis' behalf, with Aslan being regarded as Jesus, and-" Oh fuck, she thought as she looked at the man before her, whose eyebrow was cocked in confusion. 

"Aaand, now I'm The Idiot. Sorry, I-" Spencer started, but was cut off. 

"Girl, are you kiddin' me? That's the opposite of idiotic It's quite impressive." His grin never faltered as he conveyed his appreciation for the literary references and analyses. 

Spencer smiled wholeheartedly and felt her cheeks heat up as she looked down, slightly embarrassed by the praise. Only then did she realize the formerly tepid coffee was now cooling rapidly on her long legging clad legs. Miraculously, none of the drink had gotten on her favorite pink turtleneck she was donning. She snapped her head back up to look over the man for any stains. He was wearing dark clothing, so she didn't notice any spots, even if there were some. 

"So, now I think it's common courtesy for me to buy you another coffee after I obliterated yours all over the sidewalk." He laughed, and Spencer snorted out a giggle in response. 

"Oh, the carnage." She shot back, clutching her chest as she directed her eyes to her poor coffee; well, what was left of it. 

"Stop playin' and get in there." The man shook his head, still smiling, as he took a few long strides to the door of the café and held it open for Spencer. She gave him a soft smile. 

"As you wish." She entered the quaint building, and soon felt eyes burning into her backside. Instead of blushing and quickly moving in an attempt to cover herself, her lips twitched slightly into what resembled a smirk as she, feeling bold and confident in her skin-tight leggings, ever so slightly arched her back. She heard the man behind her cough and laughed softly to herself. 

He cleared his throat. "So, what was it that was in that cup? Please tell me you're not one of "those" people."

She raised an eyebrow. "Who are 'those' people?" 

The man chuckled at her incredulous look. "The people with the seriously convoluted orders." 

She gave a small, playful smile and asked, "What if I told you I was?" 

He fired back, "Then that'd be the last time I ever did something nice for a white girl." 

Spencer snorted in response, shoving his shoulder. She quickly realized that was not a good idea - the man felt like he was made of steel. He didn't even budge as she did hit him playfully. She gulped, and didn't want to admit that her eyes widened slightly. He simply grinned at her. 

She gave her order quickly with finesse; it was actually the man's order that was somewhat convoluted. She opened her mouth to make a joke, but before she could, she was interrupted. 

"And your names for the order, please?" The barista asked, eyes flickering expectantly between the pair. 

"Spencer," she answered, although she was not talking to the barista. "I'm Spencer." 

The man before her had the same idea. "Derek." He announced confidently, maintaining the intense eye contact with Spencer. It was soon broken after what was maybe a few seconds too long by the sound of the barista clearing her throat. She gave them a strange look before a coy smile tugged at the corners of her lips. 

The two went to lean against the counter, remaining in a comfortable silence until a few moments passed and another kind barista placed the drinks in front of them. Derek moved to plop down in one of the arm chairs by the window, but Spencer objected. 

"Do you mind if we sit outside? The amount of airborne germs in this confined space is unrealistically high. There are about 300 droplets expelled from a single cough at a speed of nearly 50 MPH. Sneezes are even worse, with the expulsion of 40,000 droplets at a speed 200 times faster than a cough. Droplets less than 50 micrometers can travel far enough to reach ventilators in low ceilings, effectively dispersing germs over every square foot of a confined space." She cited, moving to the door, with Derek close behind. 

Derek slowly blinked at her, then just laughed. "Do you just know this stuff or do you make it up to mess with people?" 

Spencer wasn't sure if she should laugh or be slightly offended. She decided to let out a nervous giggle. "No to the latter. I actually assisted a professor Lydia Bourouiba of MIT's Department of Civil and Environmental Engineering by proofreading her study on the topic." She offered nervously. Derek continued to just stare. 

"You.. Proofread an MIT professor's study? You're, what, 25? How, and why, the hell would she have you do that? No offense." His eyebrow was cocked again in disbelief. 

"I'm 27, flattery will get you nowhere," she diverted, earning an easy smile from Derek, "and she recruited me because of my doctorates in science and engineering that I acquired from the university." 

Derek's face once again fell in disbelief, "You are almost 10 years younger than me and you have two doctorates?" 

"Um.. Three, actually," Spencer offered, "I also have a mathematics doctorate, two masters, one in psychology and another in sociology, and a bachelors in anthropology." 

Spencer slowly tried to weasel her way out of the conversation by moving to a table nearby the entrance. She sat down quickly, pulling in her chair and placing her book and drink down in front of her. From that angle, she got a clear view of the coffee she had spilled earlier, but no sign of the cup. She blushed at the thought of some Good Samaritan having to clean up her mess because she was too enthralled by the model esqúe man she toppled into. She was just glad the coffee, albeit sticky, had dried enough for her to be almost comfortable.

"Pardon my French but.. I have no fucking clue how you managed that. Are you really serious?" Derek's voice slightly startled Spencer, and she blinked several times before realizing he was sitting before her. 

"Well, they don't call me Dr. Spencer Reid for nothing." She attempted to joke, but her cheeks to continued to burn as she diverted her eyes downward. 

Despite her awkwardness, he chuckled and smiled once more at her. Oh sweet deities, she wasn't going to be able to last this conversation if his teeth kept blinding her. 

"Damn, girl, the whole package. Gorgeous, smart, and funny." He gave her a wink, and she was sure her face was going to catch fire. 

"Says you." She mumbled. She wasn't used to being complimented on her physique, and 'funny' was never something she'd ever been called. 'Freak' 'nerd' 'hideous' and, the most hurtful of all, 'faggot'- those she had grown accustomed to. 

"Says me what?" Derek teased, snapping Spencer from her not-so-happy reverie. 

"Your body looks like a statue of Adonis carved out of the most exquisite ebony marble known to man, your Rolex and the Armani button-up tell me you make decent money, your teeth are so white they can't dance, you have kind, beautiful, dark chocolate eyes, you're suave and funny, and I know you're smart, because your comment on my book was sarcastic, not out of ignorance, and not only that, you were able to recognize the title even in its original Russian, which tells me you're not only intelligent but cultured as well. Am I missing anything?" She listed quickly in one long breath. Sudden regret filled her to the brink as she realized the man was gaping at her like a suffocating fish. 

"Wow, uh. That's.. Definitely the most.. detailed compliment I've ever gotten." He chuckled, hand going to the back of his neck. "An ebony statue of Adonis, huh?" 

Aaand the blush returns, though this time Spencer thought she saw the tint on her cheeks mirrored on Derek's skin as well, but it was difficult to tell on his beautiful complexion. 

"I was going to say Hercules or Narcissus but I figured the latter would offend you and the former just didn't seem to fit." She shrugged and began to pick at the lid of her coffee before bringing it to her lips and taking a large gulp. She could only hope Derek could not see the bobbing of her Adam's apple from underneath the fabric of her turtleneck. He didn't, instead focusing his gaze on her lips, a light crimson, softly parted at the opening of the lid that allowed the drink to enter her mouth. 

Spencer licked her lips clean, slightly furrowing her brows as Derek shifted awkwardly in his seat. 

"Alright, Aphrodite, whatever you say. I'm not complainin'." He shot her that 100-watt grin once more, and if she had been standing, she knew she would've felt her knees go weak. "Is this what a high-school crush feels like?" She thought. She had never had such a thing. Everyone in school was much older than her and no one ever piqued her interest. Although, there was one boy, a football player, she recalled, that she fancied. He was very tall, taller than her, -who, even pre-growth spurt, was 5'10- very good-looking, and, so she thought, a pretty nice guy. It wasn't until he asked her to meet behind the gym during her study hall that she realized his true nature. He told her he liked her and Spencer, being the naïve twelve year old she was, really believed him. He went in to kiss her, and her whole world stopped so quickly at the prospect of actually being found desirable that she didn't even noticed the laughter surrounding her. The entire senior class had gathered around, and soon she had been seized, stripped, and tied to the flag-pole. She was humiliated, and to make matters worse, that day had been the day where she finally worked up the courage to wear panties under her corduroys. The collective gasps from her tormentors still rung in her ears to this day, and she'd never forget the horrific things they had said. 

"I knew you were queer from the embarrassing crush you had on me, but this is so much worse. Are you seriously she-male? What the fuck?" The boy had announced. Everybody began to laugh, collectively shouting slurs and insults like it was second nature to them. One kid even decided to throw mud at her. She'd cried for weeks, and even considered doing the unthinkable to herself - but she never let them win. 

"Earth to Dr. Reid?" Derek's voice allowed her to shove away those thoughts, and soon she felt almost content just looking at him. 

"D-T wants you to phone home." He joked, and Spencer couldn't help but giggle. She felt relaxed, comfortable, something she never thought she'd feel around a man like him. 

They drank and joked for what seemed like mere minutes, but when the sun began to set, they both realized they'd been sitting there for two hours. They each had to get home, and when Derek offered to bring Spencer to her car, she revealed she had walked and planned on doing the same to get home. 

"No way am I letting a pretty girl walk the streets of DC at night. Get in." He had taken her hand, which sent sparks up her spine, mysophobia disregarded, and lead her to his car. It was a sleek black SUV, not over the top but still one that represented a comfortable lifestyle. She felt bad about getting the interior sticky, but Derek didn't seem to care one bit. Spencer rattled off directions to her small apartment complex, and Derek drove her there as a comfortable silence fell around them. 

All too soon had they arrived, as the sun had finally set. Spencer nodded her head and thanked him as she went to open the door, but Derek quickly stopped her. 

"Hey, uh, I really meant what I said earlier. You know, you being the whole package. So, I'd really like to maybe see you again sometime?" He questioned, unsure, and Spencer felt strange seeing the confident man meekly suggest they meet up some time. 

"So did I." She replied simply. Derek smiled, regaining his confidence, and pulled out his phone. He clicked a few buttons, navigating to his contacts Spencer presumed, and typed something in quickly before handing the phone to her. 

Her eyes widened slightly as she read her contact name, "'Dr. Doll Face'? Seriously?" 

Derek just laughed. "Beauty and brains, remember? I may be carved out of ebony marble, but you're a priceless porcelain doll." He gave her a wink, and her face heated once more. She preoccupied herself by inputting her number with shaky hands, returning the phone to its rightful owner. 

He pressed the call button, letting it ring a few times before cancelling the call. "So you've got mine. You better be creative with my name, too." He remarked with a playful smirk. 

"I will. Goodnight, Derek." She smiled and gave a small wave, wiggling her dainty, yet defined, fingers as she stepped out of the truck. 

"Goodnight, doll face."


	2. God Dammit, LuLu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back my doves! this chapter reveals some more of spencers past and her feelings for derek (squee). there is some brief sexual content, so if that's not your forte feel free to skip it - it's not wildly important. enjoy!

To say Spencer was elated was an understatement if she ever heard one. Derek -or 'Mocha Frappe' as she had him in her phone as, remembering his order at the café- had been texting her for the last couple of days. He shot her a 'good morning' every day since their last encounter, and only missed a 'goodnight' once, when he fell asleep reading “Player Piano” whilst bantering and not-so-subtly flirting with Spencer. Some nights, she even dreaded the inevitability of impending sleep.

It wasn't until a week and two days had passed when Derek actually gave her a call.

"Hey, White Chocolate." His voice came through over the line, and Spencer's heart nearly skipped.

"Hi." She squeaked, and was literally about to physically hurt herself because 'hi'? Who just says 'hi'? She didn't get the chance before she heard his deep, genuine chuckle.

"You busy tonight? Friend of mine cancelled movie night to get some lovin' and I wanna see you." Derek drawled, and Spencer could almost see the expectant, excited look in his eyes just from the tone of his voice.

"Yes! Yeah. I mean. No. No, I'm not busy, yes, I want to see you." And that was when she actually smacked herself on the forehead. She was awkward on the phone -and in person, and while texting, and while using sign language, and while attempting to mime; she was just awkward in general, really- but she could barely form a coherent sentence when speaking to this man she met just a few days ago. It was absurd. How much did she even know about this guy? All she knew was that he was an architect; an amazing one, specifically. Spencer recalled the conversation where Derek told her he actually built his own house. _"I guess I'm just real good with my hands._ " he had said with a "wink emoji"- she didn't even know what the hell an "emoji" was before that. She also remembered Derek had a boss who resembled Sam Eagle the muppet, he had stated with certainty, and that he had a dog, a dopey looking Doberman proudly named after George Clooney.

Spencer also knew, though, that he was kind, and funny, and sweet, and thoughtful and God, she had it bad. She had it so bad and she didn't even care, which was the worst part. How was this going to work? How was she going to manage having a boyfriend? Would she even have one, or was Derek just expecting to hook up? That thought made her blood run cold. Maybe he would just want a quick tumble in the sheets, or maybe he did want to be exclusive with her. Either way, both scenarios called for eventual sex and intimacy, and she wasn't sure she could handle the rejection that would come from him when he looked at her bare body. She'd sleep with plenty of men and women pre-transition, sure, but only three guys had ever wanted to get with her after she started HRT. She was open with the last two, explaining to them her situation before they even left the bar they met at, learning from the not-so-successful first time.

Spencer had met a gorgeous guy at a restaurant while out with her friend. He kept sending her drinks, and she was sure it was a mistake, that the waiter mixed her and her friend JJ up when the man pointed her out from across the room - but it wasn't a mistake. Mr. Blue Eyes was really into her. So they went home together - and that was the real mistake. They had leant against the doorway, mouths together and hands wandering, before he broke apart from her and took her to his bedroom, where she froze in place. She knew he'd want to touch her. He'd want to see her. She couldn't just get him off, clothed fully, and go. He wanted the real deal. So she let him take her top off, and run his hands across her small, bra-clad breasts that looked even smaller when it was removed. He made a comment about how tiny her chest was, and it went downhill from there. She let it slip that is was because they were estrogen induced, not "natural", in the sense that they didn't grow on their own.

Spencer knew she made a big mistake the second she let the words tumble out of her mouth.

"What do you mean by that?" He had asked, and, like some sick sort of word vomit, she stuttered out, "I'm transgender."

The man who laid atop of her froze and just stared.

"You're.. A guy?" It felt like more of a statement and less like a question, and Spencer started shaking. She tried to explain no, she wasn't, she was a woman in every aspect.

"But, you had a dick? Or.. Have?" His words cut deep. She hated hearing him phrase it like that, like he expected her to have surgery in order to be a "real girl". To be honest, Spencer didn't have much of a problem with her penis. It felt like an anomaly, sure, but she wasn't horribly dysphoric about it. At least, not until he made her be.

In the end, he still wanted to sleep with her, but he insisted he take her from behind, hands on her breasts, and couldn't be bothered to give her a reach-around; she didn't even get to finish, and left feeling cheap and insecure.

Spencer never wanted anyone to make her feel that way, but if Derek did, she thought it would destroy her. He was the first guy she really liked romantically and wanted to pursue a relationship with, even knowing they had only just met. She figured she was in a sort of honeymoon stage with him, but still feared the idea of having to give up the fluttery feelings he invoked inside her.

"Can I stop by, darlin'? I figured I could have that movie night with you." Derek's voice snapped Spencer back to reality, and she felt a sudden wave of relief wash over her. A smile immediately grew on her face.

"I'd love that. What movie? Or, movies, rather?" She inquired, nibbling on her lip. She was a bit scared to see what movies he was into, as irrelevant as it was. Would he want to watch something with problematic themes? Would he like comedies with ridiculously offensive jokes? Did he like actions movies that completely disregarded women as a whole? She didn't really want to find out.

"You pick, baby. Penelope usually does, anyways."

'Baby'. She beamed like a flashlight at that, ignoring the mention of another woman's name. She'd worry about that later. Her nervousness still didn't subside, though. She knew he'd probably hate the movies she had, or the ones she wished to watch online, as JJ had shown her how to do. Spencer always found it funny that she encouraged pirating when her boyfriend was a cop.

"Okay! So, I guess you wanna come to mine, so we can pick one together?" She suggested. She felt the most comfortable in her own home -apartment, rather- but suddenly felt a bit insecure about the place. It was very messy, although clean in the sense that dishes never piled up, clothes were always clean, shower and bath sparkling white, and there were never, ever any bugs - the exact opposite of the home she had in Vegas, a mother unable to clean up and a child too busy with learning. She thought about cleaning up before he arrived, but didn't think she had enough time. Maybe she'd just shove her shit in the closet.

"Mm, sounds good. I'll be there in twenty?" Derek offered, and Spencer smiled before nodding. 'He can't see you, dumbass.' She reminded herself.

"Okay. See you."

"See you, doll face."

The phone beeped, signally the end of the call. Spencer would never admit that she sighed contently as she held the phone to her chest, grinning stupidly at the thought of seeing Derek again. Alone, even. It made her nervous, the thought of him alone with her where he could do whatever he wanted with her made her shudder -but she knew he would never do anything unless she wanted him to. He seemed too kind to ever come close to crossing that line.

Suddenly, though, she realized her state of dress. She was in just a pair of white cotton panties, untucked for her comfortability, and a soft pull-over sweatshirt. She rushed to her bedroom, tripping over a stack of books in the process. Spencer riffled through her closet and drawers, trying to find something to wear. What did she want to go for? Would something conservative make Derek think she was unattractive and a prude? Would something casual make him think she was a slob? Would a dress be too formal? Would something tight give him the wrong idea? Endless thoughts such as the aforementioned ran through her brain at a mile a minute. She tried nearly everything on, trying to coordinate some semblance of an acceptable, attractive outfit.

Finally, after 17 minutes she managed to settle on something. She picked a cream colored skater skirt, a cropped, tight, olive green Henley with the first two buttons undone, and a pair of black thigh-high socks over her sheer stockings. She looked good. Really good. She couldn't stop checking herself out, hands smoothing over her body several times as she smiled contently. Upon her physical inspection, though, she noticed she was missing a key piece; an accessory. She went to her jewelry box, rifling through it to find the perfect piece.

She lifted the item from its confines and stared at it adoringly, like the damn thing was her newborn baby - a white, lace choker with a small golden heart pendant in the middle. She quickly latched it behind her neck and smiled once more at her appearance. She was beautiful.

Spencer then heard a hard knock at her door, startling her. She stepped away from the mirror, and quickly made her way to the door. When she stepped on the same stack of books as she did earlier, though, she realized she had no shoes on. She cursed at herself, and called out, "Hold on a second!" hoping Derek could hear her from the small hallway she rushed down. She found a pair of brown booties that had a small heel to them, and quickly threw them on. She didn't even tie them, just tucked the laces in sloppily and rushed to the door, swinging it open.

"Hi." Spencer said as she let out a big gust of air, giving Derek a toothy smile. She expected to see his suave grin, but he just stared at her -gaped, would be the right word, actually. She suddenly felt incredibly insecure, glancing down and back up at him several times.

"Is it- is this too much? I can change, I just thought-" She began to stutter out, when Derek cut her off.

"No fucking way, you look perfect. But, I am feeling a little underdressed for this party."

Spencer took in his appearance, and blinked in confusion. He looked gorgeous. He had a tight Henley on, similar to her own, but, of course, not cropped. Spencer wouldn't mind seeing him in a crop top, though. Or no top. That'd be preferable. His top few buttons were undone as well, and he wore a simple pair of black jeans with a pair of dark brown boots.

'Dear Lord, step on me.' Spencer's eyes widened as the thought popped into her head. Derek must've noticed, because he tilted his head a bit. She'd kick herself if she could.

"No, no you look - you look perfect too." That was as much of an understatement as saying Beyoncé was "kind of pretty". He looked like he belonged in a Calvin Klein catalog. Hell, he should even be on the homepage of PornHub. Even in casual wear, Spencer couldn't keep her eyes off of him. He didn't seem to mind.

"Thank you, sweetheart. So, can I come in or are we gonna do movie night out here?" Derek gestured to her apartment before jerking his thumb back over his shoulder, pointing at the hallway. Spencer was just full of cringe worthy moments tonight.

"Oh, shit, yeah. God, I'm sorry." She stepped aside, letting him enter through the doorway. He took in her place, eyeing the stacks of books and papers scattered everywhere.

"It's - ah - it's a little.. A little messy. Sorry." Spencer rubbed her hand across her shoulders and décolletage, averting her eyes to the books on the floor. She gave them a gentle kick to clear their pathway to the couch and TV.

"Don't worry about it. I may be a neat-freak but not if my dog has anything to say about that." Derek huffed out a laugh, plopping down on her sofa, and Spencer smiled. She had never done well with dogs. Or cats. Or birds. Or pet rocks. Animals seemed to be allergic to her. When she was eight she tried to get the neighborhood stray dog to come home with her so she could give it a bath and some water, but instead it just stole the sandwich she had in her bag and scampered off. Cats were no better. One of her old friends, Austin, had a cat, who, conveniently, was named Lucifer, or, "Lucipurr"; it lived up to the name. Spencer shuddered at the memory, it always being with her in the form of a scar on her hand. She guessed it was true that an animal's personality was an indicator of its owner's.

"What are we gonna watch? I had some ideas in the car, but I wasn't sure if you'd like 'em." Derek glanced at her, smiling softly. Spencer mirrored it, and went to sit down, when she realized she didn't know what seat was appropriate to take. Should she sit in the armchair across from the sofa? No, that'd be weird. But she couldn't just sit next to him, right? That would make him uncomfortable, wouldn't it? She settled on sitting down, albeit awkwardly, on the other side of the couch.

"Baby, I won't bite unless you want me to." Spencer blushed crimson at his words, thinking of all the ways he could mark her up with love bites and hickeys. Oh, no. No, no, no. Not today, boner. Not today.

"Seriously. You can sit a little closer than that." Derek gave her a warm smile and patted the cushion next to him. "Unless, you wanna stay over there. I'm comfortable either way." He added kindly with a shrug. Spencer's previous thoughts melted away at his concern with her comfortability. All she could think of was just how.. Sweet he was. He came off like a womanizer, a love-em-and-leave-em, straight up player who's Nintendo was the hearts of unsuspecting women, but he wasn't at all - at least, not with her. She could tell he cared about making her comfortable and happy. Under the flirtatious exterior was a guy who just wanted her to feel good.

So, slowly, Spencer scooted down the couch until she was seated comfortably next to him. She went to cross her legs, and felt eyes on her as her skirt rode up a bit with her movements. Like at the café, it gave her a surge of confidence, and she bit her lip to feign innocence, looking up at Derek through her lashes. She was almost sure she heard him murmur under his breath, "You're gonna be the death of me." She couldn't suppress her giggle.

"What did you have in mind for tonight?" Spencer questioned, then added coyly, "In regards to movies, anyways." She had never been a big flirter. She usually just smiled a lot and attempted some semblance of an interesting conversation with guys she was interested in. If they were just looking for a hookup, they couldn't give less of a shit if she was awkward, so she never really turned the charm on. It was different with, Derek, though. She figured a lot of things were.

She watched as he huffed out a laugh, then spoke up.

"Well, I'm kind of a movie nerd. I like older movies, a lot. I haven't seen Pandora's Box in a while, so if you wanna watch it we can? It's rare to find a physical copy of, but I'm sure you can grab it off the internet." Spencer's face lit up like a Christmas tree.

"I don't know if you're aware, but I'm the Queen of Nerds. Of course I'd love to watch that! I actually have it in Super 8," She started, and now it was Derek's turn to beam. "..but I don't have a system or cartridges any longer. Sorry to crush your dreams." She added with a frown. Derek gave a fake pout.

"Fun sucker." Spencer let out a whole-hearted chuckle, looking down and picking at her skirt.

'Oh, I'll suck something.' She heard the scratch of a record go off in her head. Stop. Halt. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Nope. Can't catch me, dirty thoughts.

It was only after Spencer saw Derek staring wide eyed at her that she realized she said that. Out loud. With her mouth. To a guy she barely knew. Mortified did not even begin to cover what she was feeling. She literally thought she was going to crawl into a hole and die. Twice. That was it for her. It was time to pull a Thoreau. Goodbye civilization, hello Walden Pond.

Derek continued to stare at her, before he snorted, which soon turned into a fit of hysterics. Spencer thought she should be offended that he was laughing at the prospect of her going down on him, but she figured that it was quite hilarious - so she joined him. It got to the point where they were clutching their sides, doubled over on the couch.

Finally, Derek spoke up. "Oh, man, you got a mouth on you." He wiped at his eyes, still coming down from the giggles. Spencer was also, but she still managed to cock an eyebrow at him.

"Bad choice of words given the circumstance, don't you think?" She questioned, and the laughter that followed, though short-lived, was just as intense as before.

"You play too much, girl. Where's your laptop?" Oh, right. Movie. That's what they were doing. Spencer scrambled to get out of her seat, not even bothering to smooth down her skirt in the back. She grabbed her, albeit old, but working, laptop and gently handed it to Derek. He blinked.

"Is this from 19 fucking 04?" He asked, looking like he was totally serious.

Spencer rolled her eyes. "No. ENIAC wasn't created until 1943. It wasn't completed until 1946, actually." She stated matter-of-factly. Derek grinned at her as he opened the dinosaur.

"Love it when you talk nerdy to me, mama." She rolled her eyes, watching as he opened some site with questionable ads. He typed the movie name into the search bar, and soon enough he had the movie pulled up.

"You got an HDMI?" He questioned.

Spencer blinked. "A.. High Definition Multimedia Interface?" She offered, chewing on her bottom lip. Derek's eye darted downward before he laughed and nodded.

"Oh. Yeah. Yes, yes I have an HDMI cable." She took the laptop from Derek's lap, fingers brushing over his thighs in the process. She watched as he practically keened at the touch, thinking it went unnoticed, and Spencer grinned as she turned to attach the cable to the laptop. Derek did the honors of changing the input on the television, and soon they were watching the black-and-white face of Mary Louise Brooks being introduced.

Spencer was sat comfortably at Derek's side, her knee occasionally (read: intentionally) bumping into his every once in awhile. He thought she couldn't see when he glanced at her and swallowed each time she did this; but, of course, she did. They were about 40 minutes into the movie when Derek leant over to say something.

"You know, you kinda remind me of LuLu." His eyes darted back and forth between the screen and Spencer's face, illuminated by the glow of the television screen. She scoffed.

"How so?" She inquired.

"Well, look at her. She's beautiful, mysterious. She even looks like you, with the cute, short hair and the small frame." Derek reached his hand out to brush her hair out of her eyes, his hand trailing down her face, shoulder, and arm until he rested it on her knee. Spencer swallowed, looking at him expectantly.

"You're so seductive and siren-like that you've got men delirious and desperate to be near you." His gaze was entirely focused on her now, not a hint of humor in his eyes. His statement was genuine, and Spencer could tell. She made her move.

"Prove it." She practically whispered, slowly leaning in closer and closer before Derek finally closed the gap between them.

His lips were soft, plump, meshing perfectly with her's. He moved both hands to her face, thumbs resting on her sharp cheekbones. Spencer moved one hand to the back of Derek's neck, the other on his thigh. They kissed slowly, lazily, like they had all the time in the world because they did - it was just them. And Mary Louise Brooks. Sucking on Fritz Kortner's fingers. Perfect.

Derek's hand on Spencer's cheek trailed down to her shoulder, thumb now stroking over her prominent collarbone. Spencer keened, letting out a soft sigh and Derek prodded her softly parted lips with his tongue. He didn't taste like anything - just purely Derek, and she couldn't find anything to compare it to; it was just him. The hand on her collarbone was slowly inching away, settling on her shoulder, and Spencer gripped Derek's thigh lightly in protest. The estrogen made every part of her body heat up at the slightest touches. She wasn't expecting him to replace his fingers with his lips and she practically whimpered like a petulant child as his breath ghosted over her skin.

Spencer always considered herself ambiguous in regards to sexuality. She lost her virginity to a woman during college, after all. She appreciated the female form, cis or otherwise. Girls were soft and pretty, vocal about their needs and feelings. They made fantastic lovers and Spencer was glad she got to spend her fair share of nights with girls. But men? Spencer loved men. Men with hard lines of muscle. Men with skinny, lanky bodies. Short, stocky men. Men with stubble. Dear Lord, men with stubble. Speaking of stubble..

Derek's was rubbing against her chest as his lips and tongue moved across her collarbones, then slowly up the column of her neck, maneuvering around her choker, where he bit gently and Spencer let out another soft whimper. She thought about looking at her reflection and seeing the soft red and purple marks the next day, and she shuddered. She felt Derek laugh softly against her skin, but he didn't say anything. He gave her another soft nip, then kissed just behind her ear before moving back to her lips. Spencer was more than happy to part her lips for him - until the hand on her shoulder slowly became acquainted with her thigh. She was squirming because she wanted him to touch her so bad but she couldn't let him. Not now.

She decided to play it cool for a few moments, to see if he intended on going any further. Maybe he just wanted to feel closer to her. Maybe this wasn't going to go anywhere. Maybe she could get a goodnight kiss and go to bed with a lie weighing heavily on her heart. Maybe she'd be able to sleep without thinking about his hands on her. Maybe she could forget.

The hand on her outer thigh slowly moved inward, until Derek's fingers were sliding underneath her skirt, mere inches from the place she needed them most. She froze, her whole body stiffening. Derek must've noticed her hesitancy, because he immediately drew his hand back and broke the kiss, still gently cradling her cheekbone with his right hand. His eyes quickly scanned her face, noticing how uncomfortable she was.

"Too much for a first date?" He tried to joke, but Spencer could tell he was genuinely scared he went too far. She hoped he wouldn't think she wasn't interested, because, Lord, was she interested.

"No, I just - I guess. Um. Can we just.. Watch the movie this time? I like this part, it's when Dr. Schoen finds LuLu and his wife with Schigolch." Spencer offered a nervous smile. Her hand was still on his thigh, and she realized his pants felt just the slightest bit tighter. She blushed heavily and slowly removed her hand.

Derek gave a soft smile and a laugh. "You like the part where Schoen snaps and nearly kills everyone?" He dropped the hand resting on her cheek and instead opted to pull her to his side, arm resting on the back of the couch behind her. She happily buried herself into him, watching as he continued to shift uncomfortably, pulling his shirt down every now and again. She should of felt embarrassed, and maybe even guilty for getting him worked up like that, but she just felt proud. Besides, she knew it wasn't her obligation to take care of his.. Little problem. Okay, big problem. She wanted to, though. She would give anything to be able to touch him, feel him, even taste him. She was in trouble - big trouble.

Spencer diverted her attention back to the conversation at hand. She gave Derek a small shrug. "It shows the truth behind love. How lies can tear a person apart and bring them to the brink of hopelessness, and how love can be destructive. This movie is quite metaphorical. It's really beautiful. I'm glad we picked it." She looked up at Derek and smiled once more. He watched her as she snuggled further into him, head resting on his chest as they sat comfortably, watching the rest of the movie in silence.

Spencer definitely had it bad. She had it so, so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! the next chapter will be posted tomorrow morning. also, if anyone is interested, here is the link to the movie spencer and derek are watching. i felt like it really fit with the theme of the story: http://youtu.be/JajPa69djTA until next time pals!


	3. Are You Feeling It Now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back and betta than eva. this chapter is a little heavy. it deals with transphobic and racist microaggressions and delves into some of spencer's issues with dysphoria and insecurities after she gets a blast from the past. there's also sexual content and a brief reference to sexual abuse. i promise it ends happy, scouts honor! enjoy lovelies

Derek Morgan made an amazing boyfriend. Yeah, you heard it right - boyfriend. After weeks of movie nights and dinner dates, both Spencer and him finally decided to make it "Official". It'd been a long time since Spencer had been able to call someone her boyfriend. That was a lie - she had never called anyone that. There were men she spent more nights with than one, of course - but men who wanted to wine and dine her, men who wanted cook her eggs and bacon after waking up with her in their arms? Far and few between. She couldn't even remember the last proper date she had been on, eidetic memory be damned.

Derek took her on more dates than she'd ever been on in her life, all in the span of a month. They went everywhere and anywhere together. Derek even took Spencer to the National Air and Space Museum, where they ended up making out in front of the Boeing 747. The soccer moms scattered around them did not approve. Spencer had never been big on public affection - how could she when she never got the chance to do it? She wasn't big on affection in general, but with Derek? She'd do everything shy of just pissing on him right there in public, staking her claim in front of elderly women and unsuspecting children. He held her hand constantly, always opened doors for her (of course, Spencer knew the real intention behind that) put his arm around her waist or shoulders, and when crowds got too much for her, he'd gently put his hand on the small of her back to pull her close so no one would bump into her, unintentionally or otherwise.

That was another thing she wasn't used to; jealousy. She supposed that was the wrong word to use. Derek simply did not like the way some men leered at her, or how often they "accidentally" bumped into her. Spencer rarely noticed or regarded these ministrations as anything other than friendly, albeit uncomfortable, but Derek saw right through people, and he'd get incredibly protective. Of course, he knew Spencer was perfectly capable of handling herself and would never become a possessive dick, but he got an uneasy feeling in his stomach when she was just oblivious to people's advances.

Spencer could admit she'd get jealous, too, but for different reasons. Her jealousy stemmed from insecurity. She'd see beautiful women all around her, just dying to get a piece of her boyfriend. She had no right to be jealous, logically. Those women didn't do anything wrong, and were probably really nice people. They just made her feel tiny and inadequate. However, after years of battling her insecurities, she managed to get to a place where she could admit she was pretty. She began to feel comfortable in her skin, and there were some nights she saw her reflection and couldn't keep her hands off of herself.

That was, until it all came crashing down.

Derek had his arm around her shoulder, hand hanging down so Spencer could hold it with her left hand and still have her right arm around his waist. She was lucky her arms were long, because even if she squeezed up tight against him, she probably wouldn't be able to fit her arm around his wide, hard body. They were laughing and smiling about a stupid joke Spencer had made about math. "Derek, what do you call a one-sided nudie bar? A Möbius strip club!" She was sure it went over his head, until he busted out laughing and she practically fell in love as she grinned smugly at him. She was just about to make another pun about Avogadro's number when she heard a voice calling her name.

"Spencer? Oh my God, is that you?!" A loud, feminine voice came from next to her. Spencer turned slowly, in sync with Derek as he mimicked her movement. She froze in place as she laid eyes on the girl before her, sitting at a table outside of a little bistro. Brown hair, dark eyes, light, but golden toned skin, and a perplexed look on her face that meshed with something resembling feigned excitement; Austin.

"Oh, wow. Yeah. Hi. Hey." Spencer murmured oh so eloquently. She went to wave meekly, but decided she didn't want to let go of Derek's hand. She gave it a squeeze and his eyes darted over to her, noticing the uncomfortable look in her eyes - the one she got when a stranger touched her in public, or when the barista at their café flirted explicitly with her. ("One hot caramel macchiato for one seriously hot girl.") Derek gripped her hand in response, running his thumb over Spencer's. He felt some of the tension drain from her shoulders and felt a small sense of relief.

"God, you look so different. It's amazing! And confusing. But, still. Wow." The girl looked at Spencer with a tight lipped smile, who just stared at her, and Derek was about to say something, anything, because how dare she - but she spoke once again before he could.

"And oh, my, who is this?" She gestured to Derek, and Spencer swallowed a lump in her throat.

"This is, um, my - Derek. Derek, my boyfriend." Spencer looked to him and smiled contently, before continuing. "Derek, this is.. Austin. We went to CalTech together." She directed her gaze back to the girl. Spencer’s smile fell slowly when she saw the look of disbelief.

"You're serious?" Austin asked, practically flabbergasted at the revelation. Derek clenched his jaw. Why was that so hard to believe? He watched as Spencer diverted her gaze downward, shoulders hunched as she pressed against his side. He'd never her seen her look so small, like she was trying to curl into herself to escape.

"Yes?" Derek offered. He made a point to kiss Spencer's heated, rosy cheek, while staring right at Austin.

"I'm sorry, I just.. Didn't expect you to be into.. her." If he was grinding his teeth any harder, he was sure he was going to need to spend hours at the dentist after he was through with this God-awful conversation.

"I just expected you to have some.. I don't know, curvy, black beauty wrapped around you. Not.. Spence." She glanced at Spencer, whose face was all red, every inch of her trembling. That was the last straw.

"Oh, so you think because I'm black I should, what, 'stay within my own race'? It's not 1950, Austin." He bit out her name venomously, shooting daggers at her eyes with his cold glare. That got Spencer to look over to him, her own eyes wide. Derek had never considered smacking a person so hard, until he heard her laugh at his words.

"Something funny?" He questioned bitterly. Austin put her hands up in a mock surrender.

"Jeez, don't be so sensitive. I was just sayin'. I know Spencer as this awkward, geeky gu- girl," She emphasized, causing Derek to squint at her. "..hitting the books 24/7. H- she just.. Never struck me as the dating type. After.. You know what? That's a story for another time." She chuckled. "I better get goin'. Nice seeing you, Spence, and nice meeting you, Derek." Austin grabbed her cup from the table and sauntered off. Derek had never been so glad to see someone leave. He let out a big breath and gave Spencer a squeeze.

"C'mon, baby doll, let's go back to my place. Wanna watch Metropolis with my girl." He redirected her back to the path they came from, and began strolling back, trying to forget the encounter all together.

Spencer, on the other hand, couldn't forget. Austin almost outed her with her "accidental" misgendering. She was never good with that, and Spencer knew it was because she was completely in denial. A horrible feeling bounced around her stomach. Did Derek realize what she was saying? Did he think Spencer was repulsive? Was he just inviting her back to his home just to let her down easy; or worse, hurt her? No, he'd never do that. Not kind, soft, genuine Derek. But what if he did? What if he got struck with "trans panic"? The thought almost made her want to throw up. Derek, noticing her tensing and figuring it was from the uncomfortable conversation with Austin, let go of her hand momentarily to rub soothing circles on her shoulder, before grabbing it once more. She relaxed a bit. Maybe he hadn't heard Austin after all.

After a short walk, the pair finally arrived at the front door of Derek's place, where he let Spencer in first.

"Hate to watch you leave, but love to see you go." He joked, and Spencer huffed out a laugh. ‘He still likes me. It's okay. It's going to be okay.’

She repeated the mantra until the sound of Clooney's excited barks and whimpers greeted her. She slid off her cost quickly, dropping it to the floor -where Derek immediately retrieved it and placed it on a hook- to pet the Doberman kindly. Clooney had taken an immediate liking to her the moment she first entered Derek's home, despite the fact that she had jumped up on the couch shrieking when he tried to lick her face. "He was going to devour me, Derek!" Her boyfriend had only laughed at that and replied, "I'm the only one allowed to eat you." That had gotten a giggle and an intense blush from Spencer, as per usual.

Derek brought the movie up on the screen within minutes and situated himself next to Spencer, who more than happily snuggled into him. They sat in a comfortable silence as they watched the factory workers on the screen turn into robots. Spencer swallowed and decided to bring something up that was weighing on her.

"Hey, Der?" She chewed on the inside of her lip, nervousness stirring around in her stomach.

"Yeah, baby?" He broke the intense gaze he had with the screen and directed it towards her.

"You, ah, remember what Austin said?" Derek frowned, getting ready to tell Spencer she wasn't worth even speaking about, but she continued anyways. "I mean, about what she said about me not being the uh.. 'Dating type'. And how she had a.. 'Story' about that?"

Derek just nodded slowly, shifting and putting a supportive hand on her knee.

"Well, uh. See, the reason she said that was uh - listen, the reason we aren't friends anymore is because.." She looked up at Derek, who seemed confused, but not angry or bored with the story. Spencer continued. "Was because she had a crush on me."

She swallowed and added, "I just.. Didn't feel that way about her. We were friends, and that was it, and it was fine until I had to let her down gently. She was bitter and in denial and it ultimately ended our friendship." Spencer looked down, glancing at the hand on her knee. She wondered if Derek thought there was more to the story - he was right to think that. The reason the friendship ended was because the night Austin tried to kiss her, Spencer told her she was trans. Austin had went through the goddamn five stages of grief, avoiding the "acceptance" stage altogether.

After a brief period of silence, Derek spoke up. "Was that something you had a problem with? Her being gay?" He questioned, sounding a bit offended. Spencer couldn't help but scoff.

Austin wasn't gay, and that was the problem. She didn't want to be with a woman, and Spencer knew that. She liked men, and refused to accept that Spencer wasn't one. At the time, Spencer was pre-transition and barely out. She had all the physical attributes people assumed were "male" - but she was a woman. She was always a woman, faux masculinity be damned. Austin couldn't accept that, and had ended the relationship on less than amicable terms.

Redirecting her attention back to Derek, Spencer said, "Jesus, no. Derek, trust me, I've had my fair share of.. Encounters with women." Derek suggestively waggled his eyebrows at her, and she hit his leg playfully.

"It was just.. We didn't have any chemistry. I thought she was.. Attractive, per se, but we weren't, like, sexually compatible. Or any kind of compatible. I didn't feel that way about her, and once she tried to put the moves on me I had to explain that to her. She didn't take that very well, and that's why we haven't talked in over ten years. I had no idea she was even in DC. I'd tell you the odds of that, but I can barely wrap my brain around it. It's surreal." She closed her eyes momentarily, then looked back up at Derek.

"And, you know, what she said about me and you - it hurt. I know her opinion doesn't matter but.. I went through life feeling really insecure and I thought I got to a good place but.. I realized tonight I still feel bad about.. About the way I look." She looked down, and felt the sudden urge to cry. Woah, where did that come from? She hadn't cried over her appearance since she was 15, what brought this on? She knew, though, it was because not only did Austin insinuate she was ugly, but she also implied that Derek himself thought Spencer was ugly. That thought upset her more than anything.

"Spence.. Baby, look at me." His soothing voice came, and Spencer mustered the courage to look up, blinking hard in an attempt to stifle the tears. "Spencer, I really, really like you. You're like the most beautiful woman in the world to me. After my momma. Sorry." Spencer let out a sad chuckle at that. Despite the joking though, she could see the pained looked in Derek's eyes.

"Nothing some irrelevant, bitter chick can say about you would make me think otherwise. Okay?" Now Spencer was really going to cry, but this time, it'd be with happy tears.

"Hey. Okay?" Derek reiterated, squeezing her knee gently. The simple action sent sparks up her body, and she nodded.

"Okay."

She stated simply before leaning in and kissing him softly, but passionately. Derek kissed her back eagerly, one hand going to her hair, the other still placed on her knee. Spencer moved her own hand to Derek's thigh, higher up than usual. It had been two weeks since their last encounter like this, and she was wondering if Derek began to think she never wanted to go any further with him. She wanted to show him he was wrong. So, taking a leap of faith, she nudged his hand off of her and climbed into his lap, trying not the break the kiss. His eyes widened a little bit at that, but Spencer didn't notice with her own eyes closed and lips preoccupied.

Derek's hands gently ran up and down her thighs, before trailing up her sides, hands touching anywhere he could, which was the opposite of a challenge, considering how large his hands were in comparison to her tiny, lithe frame. One of them was practically the same width as the span of her shoulder. She was so small, writhing on top of him, thin thighs spread wide to straddle him.

Spencer grabbed one of the hands that was placed on her thigh and, feeling daring, placed it just under the hem of her loose sweater. Derek let out a small, soft groan, opening his eyes and pulling back to look at Spencer's face. Her cheeks were already flushed, lips swollen, and Derek could tell she wanted, needed, him to touch her. He slowly but surely began to creep his hand up her shirt, Spencer leaning in for another kiss, though this time placing one on his jaw, then on his neck. She knew logically her little love-bites would barely show up on his beautiful dark skin, but she nipped and sucked at his throat gently anyways. He seemed to like that, judging by the way he jutted his hips up ever so slightly.  
  
Spencer wanted nothing more than to just grind down against him, but she feared he'd be able to feel her own erection, despite the fact that she was tucked, painfully so, and that wasn't a risk she was going to take. That didn't mean Derek couldn't touch her in other ways, though. He became distracted at the feeling of Spencer's lips on his neck, and had stopped his hand from pushing all the way up her shirt, his middle finger millimeters away from stroking over her bra. Spencer kissed up his neck until she reached his ear and forcefully murmured his name as a command to get him to keep going. She leaned in to his touch and he got the idea, finally placing his hand on her breast.

Spencer was incredibly sensitive, even through the material of her bra. She had opted for a bralette with no cups or padding that night. It felt more comfortable to wear with a loose sweater, despite the fact that it made her chest look a lot smaller. Needless to say, the material was soft and thin, and she could feel every stroke of Derek's fingers over her nipple as if there wasn't even a barrier between him and her bare flesh. She still yearned to feel flesh meeting flesh, so she slowly reached down to meet Derek's hand and slid it underneath the fabric of the bra.

Derek always considered himself more of an ass-man. He could appreciate a nice chest when he saw one, sure, but it never really got him going quite like Spencer's did. Her breasts were so small Derek was sure he could easily fit both of them in just one of his hands, and normally that wouldn't pique his interest, but it got him going more than any set of double D's ever could. Everything with Spencer was so different. In a way, Austin was right. His usual girl was big or curvy, with long hair, dark skin, and legs for days. But Spencer? They had absolutely nothing on Spencer, with her perfect little bubble butt, small breasts, tiny waist, thin thighs, and long, fawn like calves. She was the epitome of sexy to him.

Speaking of sexy..

Derek's hands continued to roam around the small expanse of Spencer's breast. She was arching her back, lips parted, and her breaths hot against the shell of his ear. He grinned, a bit smugly, and gently placed her nipple between his two fingers, giving it a very light pinch. He could tell Spencer was sensitive and he didn't want to overwhelm her. He figured he had anyway, though, when she leaned into the touch, letting out the loudest sound she had made all night. She whispered a raspy "more", and Derek put his hand in her hair, gently pulling it so he could bring her head up and kiss her. His other hand left her breast to cup her face and when she whined, he couldn't help but laugh, feeling her pout against his lips. Soon, though, both hands slid back under her shirt and up her bra. He ran both thumbs over her nipples before repeating the same action as earlier. The dual sensation made Spencer continue her litany of whines.

Derek was absolutely aching in his pants, wanting something, anything, to relieve the pressure. He wanted to simply force Spencer's hips down an inch or two, so he could just grind up into her, knowing if she undulated her hips just slightly he'd be able to finish before she could even realize what had happened. It would be so easy to push her down further into his lap. He didn't, though. He couldn't. He'd never betray her trust like that and do something without asking. He wasn't even sure she wanted anything more. Maybe she just wanted to stay like this- he was fine with that.

Derek replaced his fingers with his palms on Spencer's breasts, her back arching even more as she felt his callouses roughly rub up against where she was most sensitive. His fingers danced over her collarbones, remembering how fond of that she was the last time. He leaned down to plant kisses on her neck, mirroring what she had done earlier, but with a bit more force. He bit a little harder than she did, and when he heard her whimper he immediately went to pull back and apologize profusely for hurting her, but she put her hand on his head and forced him back against the column of her neck once more.

He continued to bite and suck, knowing she'd have bruises littering the entire side of her neck, all the way down to her shoulder and collarbones. The thought of marking her as his, like some twisted primal instinct, made it all the more passionate. His hands went to remove her shirt to get better access, but she tensed and stopped him. He pulled both his hands and his mouth back, looking at her with concern, even though his pupils were blown wide with lust.

"I, um.. I wanna do something else?" She offered like she was asking permission.

He nodding, thinking he understood what she was implying. "Yeah, we can just go back to watching the movie." He smiled, wrapping his arms around her waist, linking his hands at the small of her back. Spencer huffed and squirmed slightly in his lap.

"You misinterpreted. I don't want to stop, I just.. " Derek looked at her, eyebrow cocked, waiting for her to continue.

"Can I go down on you?" Spencer stuttered out incredibly fast, thinking maybe she could pretend she hadn't just asked that. She had never felt so awkward in her life, except for the time she congratulated a woman on her pregnancy to find out she was, indeed, not pregnant. She never knew how much it could hurt to get hit with a purse.

Spencer didn't consider herself to be lacking confidence sexually. She was good in bed and lots of men and women left satisfied the next morning after their rendezvous. She was very skilled with her mouth, as many men (and one woman) had complemented. It was just that, like everything else, it was different with Derek. He was nine years older than her, and definitely had a hell of a lot more experience. He was probably getting his dick sucked before she had even learned to walk or talk. She swallowed the lump in her throat (giggity) and chanced a look at Derek.

He looked like someone had just told him he was pregnant with a crocodile hybrid child. Spencer would laugh at how flabbergasted he looked, but she was too preoccupied chewing on her lip. Derek didn't even try to hide it when he directed his eyes to her mouth. He wet his own lips, mouth suddenly feeling incredibly dry. He finally met her eyes and rasped out a "yeah" before clearing his throat.

"I ain't complainin'." He tried to say nonchalantly, but his voice was still gruff.

Spencer grinned, slowly regaining her confidence bit by bit. She gracefully slid off of Derek's lap and onto her knees in front of him - she'd have to high-five herself for that move in the morning. She was just thankful she didn't end up falling and landing face first in his lap, but honestly? That was the exact opposite of a problem for Spencer. Her confidence level, though increasing slowly but surely, was too low to allow her to chance a look at Derek. She preoccupied herself with running her hands up and down his thighs, letting her fingers stroke over the inner parts. She was at a perfect viewing level, feet tucked under her butt as she sat back comfortably. Her knees silently thanked Derek for having carpeting.

Spencer gently gripped his thighs and, with Derek's compliance, spread them apart slightly. She allowed her fingers to climb up to his sharp hipbones, rubbing small circles on them with her thumbs. His shirt had risen up a bit, giving her a nice view of the 'V' of his abs, and, sweet Jesus, she'd drink Clorox out of the dip of his stomach if it meant getting her lips on him. She was running one hand up his shirt before she even realized it. Slightly startled, she felt Derek's hand brush against hers as he grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it up slowly, his head finally popping out, and Spencer didn't think she was staring until he met her gaze. She swallowed and wet her lips once more, before looking back down and pressing hesitant kisses to his stomach. She grabbed his hips and pulled them forward towards her, his back at an angle so she could have easier access. Derek slumped back on the couch, both arms stretched out behind him. He let out a surprised yet happy groan when Spencer darted her tongue out and peppered his stomach with warm, open-mouthed kisses.

"Jesus.." He whispered, looking down at Spencer with awe. She stole a look at him and grinned, her hand going to his zipper.

"Yeah, but you can call me Spencer." She winked playfully and the two shared a brief giggle fit, until Spencer unzipped and unbuttoned Derek's pants, and his laughter abruptly stopped. She slid her hands under his thighs, pulling on his jeans but not able to get them down very far considering their position. Derek got the idea and jutted his hips up, arms leaving the back of the couch to assist Spencer in getting them off. She pulled them down to just above his knees, allowing him to kick them all the way down, toeing off his boots as well in the process. She relished at the sight of the exposed skin. The most she had ever seen of him was when he was in a tank top after a run, and she didn't want to admit how worked up the simple sight of his bare arms got her.

Spencer drank in the sight of Derek in just his briefs, admiring the prominent tent in them with a sense of pride. He looked so hard Spencer knew it had to be a bit painful, noting her own erection, trapped between the skin tight layers of clothing. She reached her hand out and cupped his groin, hand slowly moving up and down. She looked up at Derek through her lashes, lip pulled between her teeth in mock innocence. Derek groaned and tilted his head back.

"Party's gonna be over before it even starts if you keep doin' that." He said, pushing up into her hand, causing Spencer to feel the damp spot in the front of his briefs. Instead of blushing and retreating, she gave him a squeeze and sarcastically murmured "yes, sir", conveniently ignoring how the wet spot grew at her words.

Finally, Spencer placed her fingertips on the waistband of Derek's briefs, giving them a gentle tug. Derek lifted his hips up once again, and Spencer made an effort not to let the elastic catch on the head of Derek's cock. She had them joining his jeans in no time, and finally looked at Derek in all his glory. She wasn't sure what she expected - in her fantasies, the ones she wouldn't admit that she had thought up when she slid her hand up her skirt or stroked herself in the shower, her mind never focused on what Derek's cock would actually look like. She thought about the taste, the weight, how it would feel inside of her, but never gave much thought to its actual appearance. It definitely proved the statement “nothing is better than the real thing” to be true. Spencer practically gawked at the sight of him. He was a big guy in general, so she figured of course that would apply to what was below the belt but she never expected that. He was thick and long, cut, dark but with a dusty pink head and a prominent vein on the underside. Definitely an A+ dick. He deserved a sticker.

Spencer looked up at Derek once again, so preoccupied with the thought of what she was about to do that she had no room to feel awkward or insecure. It was just them. She maintained eye contact, two pairs of big brown eyes meeting one another, as she leaned in, maneuvering herself comfortably between his legs. Her eyes darted away from his for a split second as she gripped him with one hand and gave a long, slow lick over his head, staring at him for the few tantalizing seconds it took.

Derek nearly lost every bit of self control at the sight. He didn't expect Spencer to be such a.. Vixen. He didn't think she was a virgin, no way, but he had thought she'd be a little shy. Nights spent with his hands under the covers or mornings in a cold shower before work, thinking about hesitance and innocence and purity were now soon to be replaced with thoughts of demands, confidence, and complete and utter sex appeal. Would Spencer prove herself to be the submissive Derek thought she would; or would she show him how she was the one in control? The latter terrified yet exhilarated him. He was a control freak, always needing to be in charge - but he could see himself giving everything up for Spencer. He'd love to watch her use him. He thought back to earlier, when she had climbed into his lap with finesse. Was that how she'd want to be fucked? On top of him, controlling the pace, using his chest as leverage to get herself off? He let out an honest to God whimper at the thought while he felt Spencer's lips close around his head. She did something with her tongue and Derek thought he was going to honestly pass out.

Spencer had pretty much mastered the art of a blowjob. Without a gag reflex, she could do anything and everything to her partner once they were in her mouth. She'd gotten so good at it that some guys even finished the second she took them all the way down her throat. There were a lot of things in the world to be unsure about (like fucking String Theory or the Penrose polygons), but Spencer's head game was not one of them.

She pulled off his head with a soft pop before gathering more saliva in her mouth to take him further down. He tasted almost exactly how she had thought he would - musky, tangy and heady - but the real thing couldn't come close to her fantasies. As she bobbed her head up and down, gradually taking Derek further down her throat each time, she pressed her tongue flat against the thick vein on the underside of his cock, flicking it up and down each time she came back up. Above her, Derek couldn't stop his groaning and soft whining every time Spencer pulled away only to dive right back in.

"Fuck, Spence, your mouth," He exclaimed quietly. The only sound following that was the tell-tale pop of Spencer pulling off of his cock once more, and her raspy voice filling the room suddenly.

"Okay." She stated curtly, eyes still transfixed on Derek's. She put her hand to good use as she watched Derek, whose face contorted into a look of confusion.

"'Okay', what?" He asked, perplexed by the simple word.

Spencer ran her thumb over his head and replied, "Do it." When Derek still didn't seem to catch her drift, she rolled her eyes and clarified. "Fuck my mouth."

Derek stared at Spencer in disbelief, watching the expectant look in her eyes cease to falter. She scooted in closer and removed her hands from his hips before reaching for his own hands and placing them in her hair.

"I trust you." She admitted genuinely, before placing her mouth on him once more, breathing in deeply then taking him all the way down, relaxing her throat. Derek looked down at her and gave a hesitant thrust up. Spencer's eyes fluttered shut and she let out a small moan that reverberated throughout Derek's body. That was all he needed.

Derek gripped Spencer's hair roughly, but not enough to hurt her, and pulled her up then down once more, watching in awe of how her lips stretched wide over his girth and how his length disappeared down her throat. He kept with the motion, thrusting his hips up to meet Spencer's mouth each time he pushed her back down. She watched him with half-lidded eyes, moaning just as much as he was. Spencer snuck a hand between her legs, needing anything to just relieve some of the pressure between her thighs because at this point it was almost unbearably painful. The second she placed the palm of her hand against her groin, she quickly climaxed, eyes screwed shut as she moaned around Derek's cock. That's all it took for him as well before he was coming, trying to pull her head back so she wouldn't have to swallow, but Spencer kept her face pressed to his stomach, gladly swallowing around him.

Derek was panting heavily, cock still twitching in Spencer's mouth as she pulled back off agonizingly slow, lapping at his head once more. His hands still in her hair, Derek gave another gentle tug, trying to get Spencer up off her knees. She obliged, standing up halfway before Derek was pushing her head forward, claiming her mouth with a kiss. He'd never kissed anyone after they'd given him head, but something about the way Spencer eagerly swallowed his come made him curious to see what it felt like to taste himself on her tongue. He gave a gentle lick to her lips and Spencer's mouth opened compliantly. Derek gave another, more hesitant flick of the tongue inside her mouth, and found himself moaning. It wasn't necessarily the taste itself, but the thought of how it came to be.

Spencer whined when Derek broke the kiss, but he just let out a breathless chuckle.

"I think that's the best head I've gotten since I popped out the womb." He joked while tucking himself away, falling once again into laughter with Spencer. It felt nice being able to joke with her even after doing something so intimate together.

They had both grown enough to learn how to be vulnerable with one another - not just physically, but emotionally. Spencer spoke freely of her insecurities, and Derek allowed his façade to drop completely around her. Spencer let Derek explore her body, and she had offered him complete and total control over her mere minutes ago. There were things Spencer was not ready to be so open about yet, however. She wanted to. It felt like a constant, nagging pain gnawing away at her every time Derek came so close to touching her in her most intimate spot, her entire body filled with need while her brain blared with warning signals. "Danger, danger, Will Robinson!"

"Now, how 'bout I return the favor?" Derek suggested coyly, wrapping his arms around Spencer's waist and kissing her briefly.

Spencer, like she always did, froze at the suggestion and Derek frowned.

"What, baby?" He looked at her with concern in his eyes, gently rubbing her sides. He thought the worst when it came to the reason behind why Spencer wouldn't allow him to touch her. Had someone betrayed her trust in the past? Was she ever forced or coerced? Derek knew the impact that could have on a sexual relationship, and it made his heart hurt and blood boil at the same time. Of course, it was none of that. But how could Derek even begin to wrap his head around the possibility it was because Spencer was trans? She knew that, logically, the thought probably never even crossed his mind. That's what made the situation so difficult. Spencer was an outlier he would never consider, and revealing herself to him in all her natural glory had unpredicted results. Spencer didn't like not having answers.

"I don't.. I don't need you to." Spencer stuttered out. She couldn't bring herself to say she didn't want it, because she'd love nothing more than to feel Derek's stubble rubbing against her thighs while he took her in his mouth, her long legs wrapped around his neck. The thought made her spent cock give a pathetic twitch in its confines. She had to bite her lip to stifle the whine threatening to escape.

"I already um.. Finished?" Spencer offered. It wasn't entirely a lie. She had come from just the feeling of Derek in her throat with just a little help from the heel of her hand. Derek didn't need to know the rest of it.

"Sucking cock, it really, ah, really gets me off on its own." She looked down, slightly embarrassed when she saw Derek had yet to pull his pants back on and was just sitting in his briefs, shirt discarded long ago. She was suddenly feeling a little underdressed for the party.

Derek let out a long sigh before giving Spencer that all too familiar flirty, lazy grin. "Baby, you can't go sayin' that when I'm barely ready for round two. I'm getting to be slow in my old age." He teased, and Spencer laughed easily with him. She slowly rose to full height from the hunched position she was in previously.

"I'm gonna go wash up." She smiled, turning to head to the bathroom before she froze.

"Oh, my God, Clooney!" She squeaked, watching with horror as her eyes met the perplexed face of Derek's Doberman. For some unknown reason, the thought of that damn dog watching her while she was on her knees getting her face fucked was more embarrassing than doing it in the middle of a crowded subway. Okay, maybe not, but she was still illogically mortified. She heard Derek chuckle and she pouted at him.

"I shoulda warned you he does that. Came home one time and jerked off on the couch, and when I opened my eyes the fucker was staring at me. Tried to lick my hand clean, too." Spencer gagged.

"I wish you would've told me that before I let him lick my face that day!" She exclaimed in mock anger, and Derek only laughed.

"You just let me nut in your mouth and you're complaining about dog slobber?" Spencer rolled her eyes.

"I hate you." She said as she made her way to the bathroom.

"You love me!" Derek called after her, and Spencer smiled. 'Yeah. Yeah, I do.'

Spencer got herself cleaned up, dabbing her panties and jeggings with a cold washcloth. She was just glad she had worn dark clothes that night. She washed her hands as well, splashing water on her face for good measure. When she saw herself in the mirror, she smiled. She was relaxed enough to just be in the moment and feel.

When she came out, the television was off, as well as most of the lights. Spencer frowned. Was Derek trying to signal to her that it was time to leave? She glanced at the clock on the TV box. It was pretty late, after all. She was beginning to feel sleepy. She started to gather her things before she saw Derek come back into the living room, still only in his underwear.

"Where do you think you're going, little miss?" He sarcastically scolded her. Spencer blushed and put her head down.

"Uh.. Home?" She said, looking up and down between Derek and the floor.

"Don't." Derek said softly, and Spencer fixed her eyes on him. "I mean.. I want to you to spend the night."

Spencer's eyes widened as she thought of the implications behind that, but Derek quickly read her expression and corrected herself.

"Nothing like that, I just wanna be near you for the night." He moved in close to her, arms around her waist, lips moving to her neck and jaw. Spencer couldn't help but give in.

"Okay. But, uh.. Do you have any clothes that'll fit me?" She nibbled on her lip and Derek nodded simply.

"Yeah, I'll get you a pair of sweats and one of my shirts, okay?" Spencer nodded in understanding. She placed her coat back on the rack by the door and waited all but ten seconds before Derek called for her to come to his bedroom. She gulped. 'Nut up, Reid. It's just sleeping.' She told herself and, with a reassuring nod strictly for her behalf, she entered Derek's bedroom.

It was a beautiful room, most definitely the biggest in the one story home. Derek had a beautiful wooden headboard, his bed decked out in a rich chocolate comforter. His walls were painted in earthy tones, and the whole place just made her feel welcomed.

"Here. These are the smallest ones I own. We're the same height so length shouldn't be a problem but.." Derek gestured to her small waist with his one hand, the other balancing the clothes he had picked out, a simple lilac T shirt and a pair of worn grey sweatpants. They both smelled like him and Spencer smiled. Derek turned politely to allow her to change. Spencer made quick work of getting her pants off first, slipping the sweats on as fast as lightning so to not allow even a glimpse of her small bulge, then pulled her top off, going to put the T shirt on before she decided to remove her bralette first.

Once Spencer was dressed, she climbed slowly into bed, choosing the side closest to the wall but furthest from the door. She always felt safer that way. Derek joined her a moment later, and Spencer couldn't help but laugh as his eyes fell onto her bra that laid on the floor.

"They're incredibly uncomfortable to sleep in." She stated with certainty. Derek let out a laugh, followed by a big yawn. He flicked the bedside lamp off and pushed himself comfortably against Spencer's back. He wrapped one arm protectively around her waist and let his head be cradled by the other. Giving Spencer's prominent hipbone a squeeze, he murmured, "Goodnight, beautiful."

Spencer was fast asleep long before he even uttered the last syllable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in one day!?! hella. i just couldn't wait, sorry yall. chapter five is almost finished and i'll continue posting one a day until im done :') im thinking of making this a series so i can add little drabbles that pertain to the verse later on? what do you guys think? let me know!


	4. Baby Girl Blues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yall. so this chapter is a real rollercoaster. it made me sad to write! there's more insight into spencers past after a certain incident ends in a nasty fight. a warning for cheating/infidelity if that is upsetting to anyone. enjoy, and i'll see you tomorrow!

Spencer woke to the warm feeling of being engulfed by 200 pounds of solid muscle. Her eyes fluttered open, taking in the room before her. The sun shone in through the light cream curtains, casting a golden glow across the room. Spencer smiled contently, ready to fall back asleep as she burrowed her backside closer to Derek and - _oh_. Oh, my, _someone_ was happy to see her.

Pressed against her ass was Derek's semi. Spencer felt it twitch slightly as she gave an experimental roll of her hips. Derek sighed contently in his sleep, and she grinned proudly to herself. As much as she wanted to continue teasing him, Spencer knew she shouldn't do so without his consent, which he was unable to give in his current state of unconsciousness. Sighing, she decided to push back against his groin one last time before settling back into the bed comfortably. She closed her eyes and was half asleep in seconds, before Derek's stirring woke her once again. She was about to flip over before she felt Derek slowly grind up against her backside. Spencer smirked, meeting his ministrations while pretending to be asleep. She immediately felt Derek freeze and, like the gentleman he was, went to pull away from her body, but Spencer had other ideas.

She pretended to shift in her "sleep", grabbing onto his arm that was thrown around her waist to keep him in place, silently encouraging him. A whine escaped Derek's lips and Spencer continued to ever so slowly press back into him teasingly. She felt Derek thrust up, letting out a soft breath. Squeezing his arm, she gave a small, subtle wiggle and that was all it took for Derek to start up a slow, languid grind up against her backside. She didn't want him to finish without her, though. She pretended to awake from her slumber, almost letting a giggle escape when Derek's whole body tensed behind her. Turning over onto her other side to face her boyfriend, Spencer gave him a sleepy smile, before letting her eyes wander down to his groin. She looked back up at him and reached out a tentative hand to cup him, smile widening as she watched Derek's face.

"Well, good morning to you, too." Spencer murmured, giving Derek's clothed erection an emphasized squeeze. He eagerly pushed his hips up into the touch.

"Oh, did you need some help with that?" Spencer suggested innocently, wide eyes blinking slowly at Derek. He simply groaned and leaned in to kiss her fiercely. Spencer happily obliged, returning the kiss and continuing to work her hand over the material of Derek's briefs. Once he was fully hard, soft moans escaping from his mouth, she lifted the waistband of his briefs and slid them down enough for her to take his cock in her hand. Derek swallowed and looked down, keening and thrusting up into her hand eagerly. Her hand looked so small wrapped around him, her fingers barely meeting around his girth. Her skin was so light in comparison to his, and they looked like two odd puzzle pieces that didn't seem like they should fit together, but did - perfectly.

Spencer gave Derek a small tug before bringing her hand to her mouth and spitting in her palm. She made the crude action look almost classy in Derek's eyes. He supposed she could do anything and he would think she looked perfect. Her hand trailed back down to his cock, where she wrapped her fingers around it once again, now able to slowly move her hand completely up and down his length with the improvised lubrication. She worked him languidly, Derek meeting her strokes with small thrusts, before leaning in for another deep kiss. Derek's lips were pliant against her's, his mouth too busy emitting soft moans and groans. Spencer licked and nibbled on his bottom lip gently as she ran her thumb over the head of his cock on the upstroke and soon enough he was coming in her hand with a quiet grunt.

Derek opened his eyes to meet Spencer's the moment she lifted her fingers to her mouth, sucking them clean while continuing to make eye contact. Derek whimpered pathetically at the sight.

"You're trying to kill me, you really are." He said, closing his eyes as Spencer gently grabbed his cock and tucked him away.

"Yeah, I'm gonna murder you with my sex appeal and steal your dog so he can be my new boyfriend." She answered facetiously, grinning and giving him a chaste kiss, resting her forehead on his.

"Mm. Helluva way to start a day, huh?" Spencer laughed and gave him another brief kiss.

"How about we shower?" Derek suggested, giving her a playful smirk. She mirrored his expression and leaned in closer to him.

"Okay! I'll take the first one since you offered so kindly." Spencer gave him an innocent peck on the cheek, jumping up out of bed and making her way to the en suite bathroom. She leaned against the doorway, grinning at him as he groaned and buried his face in the pillows. She stepped inside and stripped herself of her shirt -Derek's shirt, rather- and threw it over her shoulder at an unsuspecting Derek who let out another angry groan. Spencer laughed quietly to herself and continued to undress until she was standing in just her panties, fiddling with the water to make it the perfect temperature. Working other people's showers was always such a nightmare.

Once she had the damn thing started, Spencer stepped out of her underwear and into the large shower slash bath. It could've easily held both her and Derek, if not a third person as well. She wondered if Derek had ever been in here with another woman, if he had held her up against the wall while he took his time with her. Spencer frowned, pushing the thought away as she stepped under the stream. Shower sex was a death certificate waiting to be issued, anyways.

She glanced around the shower only to find a single bar of soap and a bottle of shower gel. Spencer remembered her own shower, filled with lotions and potions galore. She grabbed the shower gel, shuddering as she used it to wash her hair - she was going to have so many knots to comb out. Fucking men. She moved on to washing her body, and suddenly felt incredibly exposed. She was completely naked in her boyfriends shower. She thought about how many times Derek had probably stood in there and jerked off, letting out all the little moans and groans he made with her and- What the fuck. No. Not now. Not ever. There was no way in hell Spencer was going to touch herself in her boyfriend's bathroom with said boyfriend right outside the door. Was he still out there? Spencer didn't want to think he was, like he could somehow hear her thoughts or see her body. The thought excited her more than she'd like to admit.

Spencer sighed, moving to turn the hot water off so she stood underneath the freezing cold spray for a moment. Her teeth began to chatter, lips nearly blue, but hey, at least she wasn't hard anymore. She stepped out and quickly wrapped herself up in one of Derek's soft towels, waiting a moment to warm up before placing the towel back on its rack and pulling the clothes she slept in back on - there was no way she was going to be bothered to try and slip on jeggings over her damp skin.

Opening the door and preparing something flirtatious to say, Spencer immediately frowned when she saw the empty room before her. She made her way out of the bathroom, peeking out the doorway that led into the hall. There, she heard a quiet beat coming from the kitchen. She padded her way through the house towards the sound, the music growing louder and louder. When she stepped into the doorway of the kitchen, she had to suppress a giggle. Standing there was Derek, still clad in only his underwear, shifting his weight back and forth on both in feet in a pathetic attempt to dance as he cooked. What was funny was not his dancing, though embarrassing, but his wild hand motions and off beat rapping.

" _Fuck you up in a minute, hit 'em with the right, left, right left you toothless, and then they say gotdam, he ruthless_!"

Derek was so in the zone he didn't even notice when Spencer snorted, hand covering her mouth.

" _Yeah, do I look like a muthafuckin' role model, to a kid lookin' up to me? Life ain't nothing but bitches an-"_ He spun around to grab the salt and nearly pissed himself at the sight of Spencer, whose face was tomato red in an attempt to bite back her laughter.

"Hey.. Babe." Derek offered lamely, rubbing the back of his neck. Spencer finally lost it and let out a loud "pfft" before breaking into hysterics. She nearly fell to her knees when she saw Derek pouting at her.

"Oh, my God, I think I might need a new kidney." Spencer wiped at her eyes, giggles still rocking through her body.

"You got jokes now, huh?" Derek bit out, giving a defeated chuckle. Spencer nodded, pressing her lips together once again to keep back a laugh. He rolled his eyes at her and stepped closer to kiss her quickly, hand gently cupping her cheek.

_"..So we started lookin' for the bitches with the big butts, like her, but she keep cryin, 'I got a boyfriend!' Bitch, stop lyin!_ "

Spencer huffed against Derek's lips, crinkling her nose. "Turn that off." She said before she plopped down in a bar stool at the kitchen island.

"My girl doesn't like N.W.A?" Derek teased, hitting the pause button on his phone, the music ceasing before he turned back to the stove. Spencer tried to peek over his shoulder to see what he was making, but to no avail.

"No, I didn't say that. They're quite the influential group, and although they disbanded soon after, the second track on _Straight Outta Compton_ entitled 'Fuck the Police' was probably one of the most controversial songs of the 1980's. The FBI pleaded with Ruthless Records and Jerry Heller to ban the group from playing the song. Of course, they played the song live in Detroit anyways and caused a riot. It was probably the best mistake the group ever made." Spencer rattled off, then quickly added, "I just don't like being called 'bitch', thank you very much." She could tell Derek was rolling his eyes, but smiling nonetheless.

"Shut up and eat." He thrusted a plate and utensils in front of her and her eyes widened at the fixings. Derek had pretty much made every breakfast food known to man - pancakes, bacon, eggs, sausage, pork-roll, and hash-browns were all crammed onto her plate. To top it off, Derek even poured her coffee and a glass of juice. Spencer quickly dug in, moaning around each forkful.

"We're gonna have a repeat of earlier if you keep that up." Derek scolded after taking a bite of his own. Spencer swallowed and childishly stuck her tongue out at him.

"That's not helping." He teased, and Spencer groaned. A soft 'ping' and a buzz filled the room momentarily.

"Can you toss me my phone, baby?" Derek asked around a mouthful of food. Spencer, not able to resist the ever so charming gesture, got up and walked the short distance to the counter where she retrieved his phone from. The incoming text lit up the screen, and it only took a half second glance until Spencer had the entire thing burned into her retinas.

' _Baby Girl: hey hot stuff, how was your night with side bae? movie night sure was steamy. im gonna stop by and drop off the clothes you left at my place last time. promise i didn't sniff your underwear, scouts honor!_ '

Spencer's hand shook as she gripped the phone in her hand tighter. So many emotions overflowed her; anger, betrayal, sadness, disgust, pity, insecurity, guilt, and overwhelming anxiety. She almost broke the damn thing when she slammed it down on the island in front of where Derek sat. He jumped and looked at her, eyes widening comically as he took in her enraged expression.

"Spence-" She didn't even give him a chance to finish.

"Who's 'Baby Girl'?" Spencer asked, words laced with venom. Derek continued to stare at her.

"Who is she, Derek?" Her voice was scarily calm, much more frightening than any rage-filled rant could ever be.

"Spencer, it's not what you think." Derek said softly, reaching out for Spencer's hand. He'd never seen her jerk away from his touch so fast.

"Do _not_ touch me and do _not_ give me that _bullshit_! How dare you? How fucking _dare_ you? Do I mean anything to you?! God, you are an asshole. A pitiful, deplorable, _asshole_!" Spencer spat, pointing an accusatory finger into Derek's chest. Any semblance of level-headedness went straight out the window.

"Baby, this isn't what it looks like, Penelope and I-" As he expected, Spencer never let him finish.

" _Penelope_?! Are you fucking kidding me? The woman whose house you go to every Thursday for 'movie night'? The one who's always conveniently busy every time I ask to meet her? _That's_ who you're fucking? I can't believe you! I thought you were better than this!" Spencer was so angry she didn't even realize she was crying. She couldn't stop shaking with fury. No situation had ever felt so bad since the day her dad left, or the day she had her mother admitted to the psychiatric hospital. All she wanted to do was cry, and cry, and cry, until she'd expelled her body weight in tears, and then cry some more. She was so stupid. She ignored every instinct, every thought that nagged her when she was feeling insecure. She knew it was too good to be true. She wasn't putting out, so he sought it elsewhere. But why on God's green earth would he toy with her like that? Was it some sort of game to him? To think she had even thought about coming out to him and trying to build something real. She should've trusted herself. She felt so incredibly _stupid_.

"Spencer, no one is fucking anyone. Baby, please, just listen to me." Derek pleaded while Spencer sniffled and rubbed at her puffy eyes before crossing her arms.

"Baby, don't cry.." He reached a hand out to wipe away the stray tears on her cheek but she jumped back immediately. Derek slowly lowered his outstretched hand and let out a deep sigh.

"Look, I'm just going to tell you like it is." A sob caught in Spencer's throat as she waited for Derek to admit what he had done.

"Spencer, Penelope is gay. She has a girlfriend. We're not sleeping together. We have never slept together and never will. The way we talk, it's all just for fun. In no way are we even interested in one another. That's why we do it, because it's so ridiculous it's funny. I would never cheat on you. I could never hurt you like that." Derek said wholeheartedly. Spencer's jaw was clenched as she kept her eyes transfixed on the floor.

"Spencer, please look at me." Derek was practically begging, and something inside Spencer knew he was being genuine. Who could make up a lie that intricate? Spencer had jumped too quickly to conclusions that just weren't plausible. Derek wasn't that kind of man. Even if he was a player, he wasn't a cheater.

Slowly, Spencer lifted her head and peeked at Derek through her wet lashes. She blinked a couple times to clear the tears, watching as Derek slowly moved closer to her. He placed a hesitant hand on her shoulder and lifted her chin slowly with one of his fingers.

"There's my pretty girl." He murmured, offering her a small, sad smile as he used his thumb stroke her cheek. Spencer chewed on her trembling lip, and the sad look in Derek's eyes intensified.

"I'm being honest, Spence. I could never, ever hurt you. Seeing that look on your face is breaking my heart. I never want to be the reason for these tears. I care about you too much." Spencer watched as Derek swallowed thickly and she sniffled once more.

"I.. I'm sorry." She tried to stop another tear from dropping but they just continued to fall on their own accord. Derek looked at her, shocked.

"What on earth do you have to be sorry for, love?" He smoothed his hand over her hair, still slightly damp from her shower, but slowly forming into the messy curls Derek had grown to love, much like the rest of her.

"I.. I yelled at you." Spencer hiccuped on the last word and bursted into tears, clutching at Derek's shirt and sobbing. He instinctively wrapped his arms around her, incredibly shocked at her actions.

Spencer had always been a rubber-band wound too tight, ready to snap at any moment. On top of the necessary hardships life came with, she had to deal with things like dysphoria, bullying, abandonment issues and fear - fear of going hungry or losing her home after her dad left her and her mother without a single penny, fear of being taken away from her mom or having her taken from Spencer, fear of being outed, fear of one day succumbing and hurting herself. Constant fear, constant hurdles that seemed impossibly high, and throughout it all Spencer had to keep calm. She had to be strong for her mother, she had to show her tormentors no fear, she had to pretend to be happy and fine but nothing was ever happy or fine, not since her mother's lucidity had begun to rapidly decrease. She forgot who Spencer was on most days but still relied on her to comb her hair, feed her, dress her, give her her medication, clean up after her and even help her bathe herself. Spencer was practically a bonafide RN by the time she was eleven.

Repressing emotions was all she had ever known, and when those emotions bubbled over and she let them out, there were always consequences. Whenever she would cry or yell her mother would get upset, and nearly became violent once. All Spencer's life, circumstances made her feel guilty for expressing emotions and letting them get the best of her. That was still engrained in her to this day. When she yelled at Derek, she felt a lifetime of sadness and repression come bubbling back up and she was overwhelmed by the guilt she had been taught to feel. How dare she explode at him, someone she cared about - loved, even? She felt like a horrible person, and it was only worsened by the fact that Derek was comforting her. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve him.

"It's okay, Spence, it's okay. You didn't do anything wrong, baby. Nothing, okay?" Derek said firmly, giving her a hard squeeze. Spencer slowly but surely began to calm down, her sobs coming less and less frequent. Derek simply held her tight against his chest until the shaking subsided. Slowly, he pulled back to look at her and gently placed a kiss over each of her closed eyes.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He kissed her once more, this time on the tip of her nose. "You had every right to react the way you did." Another kiss. "Hell, I'd probably be concerned if you didn't get pissed at me." He tried to joke, and Spencer just let out a pathetic sound. He smiled sadly once again, brushing her hair with his fingers.

"Jesus, do you have birds living in this mess?" Derek teased, trying to comb his fingers through the now matted curls.

"It's from your fucking shower gel. Who doesn't have any goddamn shampoo or conditioner in their house?" She grumbled, wiping her eyes once more with the back of her hand. Derek's face lit up as he laughed and Spencer couldn't help but join in with him.

"I'm not sure if you've noticed, but this," he said, taking Spencer's hand and putting it on his shaven head, "doesn't really need any 'Coconut Paradise Shine Inducing Conditioner.'" Spencer rolled her eyes and playfully smacked the back of his head.

"I prefer 'Decadent Mango Getaway Voluminizing Shampoo', thank you." She smiled and pressed her forehead against Derek's, who mirrored her expression.

"Well, I'll be sure to get you some of that for the next time you stay over." He paused. "Will there? Be a next time, I mean?" He caught his lip between his teeth in signature Spencer style and she laughed.

"There will be a next time." And another. And another. "Just, you know, sans the crying and screaming." Spencer added seriously and the two shared another laugh. He pulled her into a hug once more, giving her cheek a kiss.

"Sounds like a plan. Now, go get dressed, because as sexy as you look swimming in my T shirt, I'm not sure Penelope and Emily will be too keen on seeing you decked out like this." Derek gave Spencer's butt a smack and she squeaked, eyes wide as she ran back to his bedroom and quickly changed into her clothes from the day before. She looked over her shoulder as she reached the end of the hallway, sighing contently as she opened the door to the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://youtu.be/KHaOul8gVVc


	5. Heart Emojis and Shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> she's baaaaack. garcia and prentiss are introduced in this chapter and i had so much fun writing them as a couple. they're so cute together even though i love jemily with all my heart. this is a pretty lighthearted chapter (calm before the storm) and quite mushy. enjoy folks

Spencer had never been so nervous in her life. After her little meltdown, which she still felt thoroughly embarrassed about despite Derek's comforting words, he had insisted she meet the one and only 'Baby Girl' and her long-term girlfriend, Emily. He shot off a quick text saying they'd meet them for brunch at his favorite diner, as they didn't get to finish their breakfast after The Incident. Spencer's hands were shaking as she pulled her sweater over her head and stepped out of the bedroom just in time for Derek to call, "Get your cute little butt out here before I have to spank you." Spencer scoffed and shook her head, smiling softly to herself. 

Derek stood before her in the living room, wearing last night's rumpled clothes that he had snatched up quickly from the floor. 

"Oh, please do." Spencer said, voice dripping with sarcasm. Derek snorted in response. 

"Don't start with that. Come on, hustle, Penny and Em are probably already at the diner." 

"I'm going, I'm going." Spencer grumbled like an annoyed child. Derek opened the front door for her, and, as per usual, eyed her ass in her tight jeans. 

"I might have to take you up on that offer." He said, placing a hand on the small of her back before sliding it downward. Spencer jumped, smacking his hand away. 

"Derek Morgan, you are such a dog!" She jokingly scolded, taking ahold of his hand and walking to his car. 

They drove in silence, which did nothing to ease Spencer's nerves. A million different scenarios rushed through her head. Would they dislike her? Would she be an outcast? Would they mock her? Would they think she didn't meet Derek standards? She was so afraid and preoccupied with her thoughts that she didn't even noticed Derek had parked the SUV in front of the diner. 

"They'll love you." He said, reaching over to grab her hand. She gave him a small smile in response. "Just, you know, don't let them fully recruit you to their team." He teased. Spencer rolled her eyes. 

"I'm going to go willingly if you keep that shit up." She warned, unbuckling her seatbelt and stepping outside of the car. She heard Derek laugh as he exited the car as well, walking over to Spencer and taking her hand. Their fingers easily intertwined and Spencer felt some of her nerves subside. A kind older woman held the door open for them, remarking about how nice it was to "see such pure love these days". Spencer had flushed a deep shade of crimson, but Derek just smiled and thanked her before looking adoringly at his girlfriend. 

They approached the host and Derek stated they were part of a group of four. The older man slowly nodded. 

"I suppose you're with the uh, rather.. Eccentric.. lesbian couple." Derek blinked slowly at him, and Spencer prepared to say something before she heard the loud clacking of heels and a high, feminine voice. 

"That's Miss Eccentric Lesbian to you, sir." The woman, presumably Penelope, sarcastically said to the host, who just looked down. 

"Hello, my doves!" Penelope had exclaimed. She pulled Derek down into a tight hug. 

"Oh, my goodness, this is Spencer?! You're Spencer?!" Penelope practically squealed in disbelief, and Spencer felt her earlier insecurities creep back up. Of course she couldn't believe it. How could she? Men like Derek didn't go for women like Spencer. 

"Derek, are you sure you met this girl at a café and not at the Victoria's Secret fashion show? Holy buhjeezus, look at those cheekbones! And that figure! Come here, let me squeeze you!" Penelope held her arms out and Spencer, thoroughly flabbergasted, slowly leaned into her embrace. 

Awkwardly patting Penelope's back, Spencer said, "It's.. A pleasure to meet you, Penelope." 

Penelope smiled widely at the girl before her and nodded, taking her hand. "It surely is. Now, come meet my dark haired beauty! Forward march, troops!" She dragged an unsuspecting Spencer along with her to the table, and Derek couldn't hold back a chuckle at the sight. He grinned at the host, who was staring at the two girls before he began to follow behind them. 

The trio approached a large booth, Spencer standing awkwardly as Penelope introduced her to her girlfriend - and wow, a dark haired beauty she was. She had a sharp, aquiline nose with an adorable dimple on the tip of it, a sharp jaw, long, full eyelashes, accentuated by her subtle eye makeup, and beautiful shoulder length raven hair with blunt bangs across her forehead. Wowza, was all Spencer could think.

Penelope was just as beautiful with her shiny platinum blonde hair curled towards her face, decked out with sparkly embellishments. Her outfit was, as the host had said, definitely eccentric. It was a halter cut dress that cinched around the waist and subtly flared out at the hips, with an adorable pattern of multicolored baby chicks surrounding every inch of the fabric. Spencer couldn't help but smile, the colorful woman seeming to calm the storm in her mind. 

Penelope and Emily couldn't be any more different. While Emily's demeanor was serious, and she seemed to be suffering from a chronic case of RBF (Resting Bitch Face), Penelope's smile never faltered. Emily dressed casually, if her simple black blouse and jeans were any indicator of that. She was nowhere near as daring as her partner in her attire. But there was something similar between the two. Despite her seemingly mean appearance, Spencer felt safe around Emily - her vibes were calm and soothing, and Spencer could tell under the hard exterior was some serious mushy-gushy-ness, if Spencer judged by the way Emilylooked at Penelope like she hung the moon and the stars. It made Spencer's heart swell seeing the pair. 

She supposed her and Derek were the same. Derek was smooth, charming, handsome, funny, and sociable. Spencer was quiet and shy, but friendly once she warmed up to someone, and funny in her own way. She didn't think she was ugly, but just.. Unconventionally attractive. Either way, the pair seemed to be odd together to an outsider, but they complimented each other in all the right ways, much like the girls. 

"Spencer, doll, this is Emily." Penelope reached out and kindly touched her girl friend's cheek, who grinned at her and then turned to face Spencer. 

"So nice to meet you. Derek never shuts up about you. Neither does Pen." She chuckled as the aforementioned shot her a glare. "What? It's true." Spencer giggled with Emily, and the two shared a look with one another. 

"Enough flirting you two, let's sit down." Derek said jokingly, letting Spencer slide into the booth before setting next to her and slinging an arm around her shoulder. Penelope sat as well, grabbing Emily's hand under the table. 

"So, Agyness Deyn, what do you do? For work, I mean." Penelope questioned, sipping on the glass of water the waiter had provided for each of them. Spencer looked to Derek, mouthing 'who?', but the man simply made a face that just screamed 'no idea'. 

"Um," Spencer cleared her throat. "I work at Georgetown, giving lectures." She stated, fiddling with her hands. She was so not ready to play twenty questions. Derek gently rubbed her arm, encouraging her. 

"Ooh, a teacher? I bet that gets fun in the bedroom." Penelope said, grinning wickedly. Emily's eyes went wide as she scolded her, and Spencer's face turned red. Derek, on the other hand, just laughed. He was used to Penelope's less than PG comments. 

"A little "please, Dr. Reid, I'll do anything for that A+' huh, Der?" She continued, seemingly oblivious to Emily and Spencer's reactions. Derek kicked her underneath the table. 

"Baby Girl, stop, look at poor Spence's face. She can't get any redder." Derek whined, touching Spencer's flushed cheek before leaning in to kiss it. The two heard Emily scoff. 

"Derek, I'll be surprised if she doesn't break up with you by the end of this brunch." Spencer cocked her head.

"Why would I do that?" She looked between Emily and Derek, perplexed, not catching the sarcasm. 

"She's kidding, baby." Derek chuckled, reaching up to run his fingers through her hair. She looked down at her hands, twiddling her thumbs. "Oh.." Spencer said quietly, face reddening once again. Penelope and Derek just laughed, and Emily shot her a sympathetic smile. 

When the waiter finally came, everyone gave their order, Garcia going last since her's was the most complicated. Emily gave Spencer a look that said, "See what I have to put up with?" Spencer giggled in response, earning a curious glance from Derek, who just shrugged and turned back to the conversation he was having with Garcia. Spencer and Emily sat quietly as the two chattered, making a few remarks and jokes here and there. 

Spencer nudged her boyfriend and leant over to whisper, "I have to pee." Derek snorted, shaking his head at her. 

"Emily, will you take Spencer to the potty? Be sure to hold her hand and remind her to use soap!" Derek said, poking fun at Spencer, who glared and grumbled under her breath, "I will destroy you."

"What was that?" Derek asked, standing up to let her out of the booth, Penelope doing the same for Emily. 

"What was what, sweetie?" Spencer said in a sickeningly sweet voice, causing Derek to put his hands up in mock surrender. Emily rolled her eyes at him and linked arms with Spencer, leading her to the bathroom. Spencer was faced with a slight dilemma. Would Emily be able to tell she peed standing up, or was that ridiculous? Should she try to sit? No, that ended badly the last time. Very, very badly. Spencer shook her head at the memory as though the motion could shake it out of her ears. So, she undauntedly entered the stall, sighing when she heard Emily do the same. 

After the two finished, they went to wash their hands side-by-side. While wetting her hands, Emily spoke up and, in a calm and level voice, asked ambiguously, "So, you and Derek, huh?" 

Spencer cocked an eyebrow, pumping soap onto her hands. "What about us?" She asked nonchalantly as she rubbed her hands together. Upon hearing Emily's laugh, Spencer furrowed her brows in confusion.

"You know that man is head over heels for you, right?" She asked like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Spencer swallowed as she rinsed her hand. 

"You think so?" She said, looking at her reflection in the mirror only to see Emily's eyes staring right back at her. 

"Spencer, is the sky blue? Is the Pope Catholic? Was Sappho a lesbian? Yes, of course." Emily laughed, and Spencer was about to tell her that no, the sky wasn't actually blue, that human brains read green color particles as blue, when in reality the sky is actually purple at a peak sensitivity of 451 nanometers, but Emily continued to speak. 

"Derek's had one serious girlfriend in the years I've known him and he never looked at her like he looks at you." She sighed and smiled knowingly. "Spencer, it's the same look I get on my face every time Pen shows me Star Trek Into Darkness Fanfiction, or gushes about a pair of socks she got with sharks on them, or hogs the bathroom in the morning so she can put a rhinestone on her beauty mark - the look of total, pure, unadulterated love." 

Spencer was blushing heavily, trying to look anywhere but Emily's eyes. She couldn't be serious. There's no way Derek saw her that way. Sure, he liked her, and he cared about her a lot, but love? No. No way. It was way too soon for that. They barely knew each other! But was that really true? Spencer had revealed more to Derek than she had ever told any other human being in her life. She trusted him with everything in her, and he the same. That didn't mean anything, though. No way was Derek in love with her. Nope. Not happening. 

Then, Spencer thought about Emily's comment about Derek's former girlfriend. Derek had been open and honest to Spencer about his love life, and never once mentioned a serious girlfriend. Was it that he just didn't want her to get jealous, or was it because she wasn't as serious to him as it seemed to those around him? Did Derek take their relationship seriously? And the looks. The looks he gave her, when she was preoccupied with a certain task or lost in reverie. What went through his mind when he looked at her? Spencer continued to torture herself with the questions, until she realized she had yet to consider one other scenario; if Derek was in love with her, was she in love with him, too? How could she be, with a lie constantly hanging over her head? She couldn't be in love with Derek. She liked him, yeah. She liked holding his hand, and kissing him, and being intimate with him, and spending time with his dog, and eating breakfast with him, and sharing a bed with him, and talking about The Picture of Dorian Gray and debating whether Nosferatu or Dracula was the vampire best film, and sharing funny anecdotes from work, and - oh fuck. Oh, fuck, she's in love with him. 

Emily gave her a wide grin and another knowing look. "All I'm saying is, Derek Morgan's never been in love - until now." She gave Spencer's shoulder a squeeze, then added with a laugh, "But he might not be after he realizes we've been in here for fifteen minutes." She handed Spencer a paper towel and opened the door for her, leading her back to the table. 

Outside of the bathroom, Derek and Penelope sat and waited for the girls impatiently. Well, maybe Derek was the one getting impatient, because Penelope kept giving him this look and he was getting so sick of looking over at her every few seconds and seeing her just staring at him with that smug face. 

"What?" He finally asked, slightly annoyed. The look on Penelope's face only intensified. 

"You love herrrr." She said in a sing-song voice. 

"Penelope!" Derek hissed, looking around to see if the girls were back and had somehow heard. 

"What? It's true. You give her these big ol' heart eyes every time you look at her, like how I do when I see glazed donuts or Kendall Jenner. You can't keep your hands off of her, ever. You never stop smiling. Derek, I haven't seen you this happy in the entirety of our friendship. You. Love. Her. Idiot." Penelope insisted, sitting back in her seat and sipping from her water. 

Derek sighed, silently admitting defeat. She was right. Derek looked at Spencer like she was his everything, because she was. She made him smile like no partner ever could. He was attracted to every aspect of her, the good and the bad. Being around her made him tingle, and every time they touched it felt like lightning. Derek imagined himself doing things he'd never want to do with another person before. He wanted to cuddle up to her, make her hot chocolate and watch her favorite movie on his couch, with Clooney curled up at their feet and the moon shining in through the curtains. He wanted to wake up next to her and give her slow, lazy kisses, morning breath be damned. He wanted to make love to her, worshipping every inch of her body. He wanted to see her stuff littered around his house, her toothbrush in his cabinet and towel on his shower door, her mismatched stocks strewn across his bedroom, he clothes in his closet. He wanted to simply be with her, however, wherever, whenever. 

Derek saw Penelope staring expectantly at her and he ran his hands over his head.

"I don't know what to do." He said quietly. "I like her. A lot. Like, heart emojis and shit. She's perfect, man, I fucking struck gold." Derek said, though he didn't seem to be too happy. 

"But..?" Penelope asked her friend, eyeing him warily. Derek sighed once more.

"..But I'm not good at this. I've never done this. Never.. Felt this. This weird, raw, vulnerable feeling that makes me want to run and stay at the same time. I never even felt that with Savannah, and we were together for two years. God, I'm an asshole. How come I'm in love with a girl I've been dating for two months but couldn't be damned to be in love with the one I dated for two years? And look at how bad I fucked that up. She still won't allow me within fifty feet of her porch steps, Pen. I'm gonna end up fucking myself, and her, over with this one, like some twisted form of unintentional self-sabotage." Derek groaned, angry with himself, and placed his head in his hands. 

Penelope sat silently for a moment, before she spoke once again. "My advice?" She offered, and Derek looked at her desperately. 

"Don't fuck it up." She said with a shrug. Derek scoffed at her, throwing his hands up. 

"It's not that easy!" He exclaimed indignantly. Penelope just shook her head. 

"It is. Tell me, why didn't things with Savannah work out?" She asked, although she already seemed to know the answer.

"Uh, I'll take 'Commitment Issues' for $500, Alex." He replied with a raised eyebrow, to which Penelope answered with a shake of her head. 

"Try again." Derek exhaled sharply, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I don't know, dude, fuck. I never made time for her. I didn't cherish her and shit. Never rubbed her feet or got excited to eat dinner with her parents." 

Penelope nodded, letting out an 'mhm' before asking simply, "Why?" 

"Because! Because, Penelope, I didn't-" Derek looked at his friend, then down at the table, then back at her before whispering, "I didn't love her." 

"Aaand we have a winner!" Penelope exclaimed and once again all Derek could do was groan. "You didn't love her, but you love Spencer." She summarized and Derek gave a pathetic nod. 

"Then that's how you make it work." 

Derek looked at her and nodded quietly once more, processing the conversation with a film of disbelief cast over his brain. 

"How you make what work?" Emily asked as she and Spencer conjured out of thin air at the table, making everybody jump out of their skin like they'd just been caught watching porn by their mother. 

"Food sex." Penelope offered lamely. Derek stared at her with wide eyes, while Emily and Spencer just looked confused as they slid into the booth. "How to make food sex work. I was telling Derek about the time I let you lick whip cream off of my p-" 

"Penelope!" Everyone at the table yelled, causing the reproached girl to laugh to herself. 

"Worst yeast infection I ever had in my life." She mumbled, her girlfriend elbowing her in the side. 

Their food arrived shortly after that, and the group ate their meals in a comfortable silence that seemed different than before. Every person at the table seemed to think they knew something another didn't. Instead of making the situation awkward, though, it made each patron feel a sense of content and relief. Penelope and Emily were happy with themselves for helping the couple across from them nut up and accept their feelings. Derek was eager and giddy to get Spencer all to himself, wondering if he could muster the courage to tell her he loved her. Spencer, on the other hand, was a different story. 

She was elated at Emily's words and kept replaying them verbatim in her head. She felt gleeful and giddy as she thought about how she was actually loved by someone who wasn't her mother. But she was afraid. Deeply, darkly, and terribly afraid. She couldn't get out of this now. There were too many feelings and too many things at stake. Before, she had an escape plan. If things went awry, she could've left Derek and moved on with her life, no matter how sad it would've made her. But now? Now she was in love. Blindly, stupidly, and debilitatingly in love. The prospect of Derek abandoning her, of looking at her with disgust, or even hurting her, was paralyzing. She wasn't sure what she would feel if she ever had to look at Derek's face and see it was completely void of the love he had for her once.

It was hard for Spencer to eat as these thoughts plagued her head. Emily seemed to have noticed, her face twisting into one of confusion. Spencer tried to give her a comforting smile, but it just ended up looking pained. Emily worried her lower lip, wondering if she had pushed Spencer too hard for her comfort. Shortly thereafter, the waiter arrived with their check, which Derek insisted on paying before Emily kicked him in the shin and quickly signed her name on the paper before slipping in her credit card at lightening speed. 

"Okay, okay, I get it. Strong independent woman, don't need no man." Derek replied. Both Penelope and Emily blinked at him slowly. 

"Fuck it, never mind." He grumbled, and Spencer couldn't help but give a small smile as she stepped out of the booth. She felt Derek's knuckles brush hers and she hesitantly laced her shaky fingers with his. He looked at her with a furrowed brow, but she just gave him the same look she had given to Emily moments prior. He frowned, squeezing her hand as he followed the girls to the doors of the diner. 

"Well, this sure was wonderful!" Penelope cheerily stated as they stepped outside. "Spencer, love, I'm so happy I got to meet you! I'd love to see you another time, just us girls." She winked at Spencer who let out an airy laugh and a small nod, giving her a gentle hug. Emily smiled widely and sweetly at Spencer, touching her shoulder before pulling her in for a big hug. She reiterated her girlfriend's earlier statement, but before she pulled back, she leaned in to whisper knowingly in Spencer's ear, "It's gonna be okay." When Spencer pulled back, Emily's hands lingered on her shoulders and Spencer slowly nodded. Emily smiled at that and patted her cheek before stepping back and grabbing Penelope's hand.

"And you," Penelope said, pointing a finger at Derek, who looked like a child about to be reprimanded. "Don't you dare harm a single cell in this sweet girl's body or so help me I'll send the Lesbian Goon Squad after you." She clipped him on the ear to let him know she was entirely serious. 

"Ow, okay, read you loud and clear!" Derek said, reaching a hand up to rub the side of his head. Spencer laughed with Penelope, and Derek grimaced at her. 

"Traitor." He hissed at Spencer, who just smiled and shrugged at him.

"Would you have me any other way?" She asked, setting her gaze on him. His whole demeanor changed into one of joy and love as he shook his head.

"Not a chance, baby." Derek said with a grin before he leaned in for a quick kiss. Spencer's heart swelled at the action and she smiled against his lips.

"You two are making me sick." Emily said, making a gagging noise. She looked to her girlfriend for support, but Penelope just had her phone out, leveled at Spencer and Derek. 

"Penelope Garcia, did you just take a picture of them?" Emily asked with a hand on her hip. 

"No." Penelope answered innocently before adding, "I took several. And a video." She smiled proudly. Derek huffed out a laugh while Spencer groaned and buried her face in his chest. 

"Alright, goodbye lovebirds! Have a nice day, use protection!" Penelope called before she turned on her heels and sauntered away with Emily, who gave an apologetic wave over her shoulder, at her side.

Derek pulled Spencer close to his side and led them to his truck. He opened the door for his girl before climbing into the driver's side. As he started up the vehicle, he asked, "Wasn't so bad, was it?" 

Spencer looked at him before smiling and leaning her head against the window. 

"Not bad at all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's all folks! next chapter's gonna be *wonder pets voice* sewious! i hope you like it! i also wanna know if you guys like the differing points of view im experimenting with. let me know how you feel abt it. till next time :~)
> 
> ps: agyness deyn, the person pen compares spencer to, is an androgynous model who i think looks like the dfab version of MGG


	6. Rosaline Smiles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back friends! we're starting off with about a five month time jump, in case there's any confusion. this chapter and the following are very heavy. as you maybe can tell by the title that incorporates jj's late sisters name this chapter will deal with suicide. it's not very explicit, and there's no suicidal ideation heavily discussed, but it's not something that can be ignored. stay strong yall and ill see you tomorrow!

Derek awoke some time shortly after the sun had risen. He lazily rubbed his eyes and took in his surroundings, feeling immediately confused to not see the familiar layout of his own bedroom, before he realized where he lay. He smiled softly to himself, rolling onto his back and resting his hands on his chest. He laid there for a few moments with a stupid grin on his face before he hastily climbed out of his girlfriend's bed. He figured Spencer was getting ready for work in the bathroom as to not disturb him. The smile on Derek's face grew wider as he slowly padded out of the bedroom and into the small hallway that lied outside. He didn't hear the shower running or any rustling in the bathroom. His lips twitched slightly into a frown, wondering if Spencer had already left. Since she left earlier than him, she usually came in to kiss him goodbye on the days he slept over, as he did with her at his home, but maybe today she was in a hurry. Derek let out a huff and went to turn back around to retreat to the bedroom, when he heard Spencer's soft voice from the kitchen. 

"JJ, I'm telling you, it's not healthy for Will to be eating Lunchables everyday when he's perfectly capable of at least microwaving soup. He's a grown man!" She exclaimed, and Derek heard her open the fridge and plop something down on the table. 

"Oh, come on, that's not fair, you know Derek can't help his love for SpongeBob shaped macaroni." A giggle. Derek scrunched up his face, cheeks heating slightly. They tasted better when they were shaped like jellyfish, how dare she. 

"Don't start with that, Jay, you know I'm handling it." Spencer said, exasperated. She sounded pensive and weighed down, and Derek knew he shouldn't be eavesdropping, but he was a little concerned. 

"No, I haven't told him." Derek heard her sigh in the distance and he frowned. He started to feel slightly anxious. Were they talking about him? Was Spencer okay? 

"Because, it's too soon! We're just coming up on six months. Everything is good and I'm not going to ruin it. I can't." Derek gulped. They were definitely talking about him, or at least their relationship. Spencer seemed to be getting agitated and Derek grew increasingly nervous. If Spencer had something to tell him, why wouldn't she just say it? They were always honest with each other. Derek talked about things he never did with anyone else, and Spencer was always revealing new things about herself everyday. He thought she trusted him. 

"I'm not her! You don't have to protect me!" Spencer yelled, but her voice lowered as she realized Derek was still sleeping, or so she thought. "I'm not Rosaline." She hissed. Derek had never heard that name, but the way Spencer said it seemed like she was important to her in some way. Derek's frowned continued to deepen. How much did he even really know about Spencer's past? 

"JJ, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Jay? Come on, please don't, I'm sorry." There was a long, pregnant silence before Derek figured the call had ended. Slowly, he crept back towards the bedroom and closed the door with a bit of force to alert Spencer he was awake. Derek felt nauseous thinking about what he'd just done. It was a total invasion of privacy and he had no right, but he was worried about Spencer, as he often was. From day one, she always seemed like there was a hidden part of her that was so fragile it needed to be tucked away and protected from anything and everything. He didn't like feeling as though he wasn't trustworthy enough for her to come to him with anything. He always did so with her - but deep down he knew that was a lie. He hadn't told her some things. But that was different. It was too hard, too painful, and he was too ashamed. She didn't need to know about that chapter of his life. Is that how she felt about whatever her secret was? Derek sighed, conflicted, and decided to just go be with his girlfriend for a few brief moments before they both had to leave. He headed to the kitchen and promptly wrapped his arms around her from behind, feeling the tension drain from his body as well as Spencer. 

"G'morning." He mumbled in the crook of her neck, pressing a kiss to it. 

"Hey, lazy." Spencer said, but it seemed lifeless coming from her flat tone of voice. Derek bit back his comment, wanting to tell her something, anything, to cheer her up, but he just let her be. Her arms came up to rest on his, and she let out a soft sigh as she practically melted into him. 

"You eat yet?" Derek asked as he continued to press little kisses along her neck and jaw with his eyes closed, just enjoying the feeling of being near Spencer. He felt her shake her head in response. 

"No, but I'm sure you're gonna make me, aren't you?" She said, her usual sass returning. Derek smiled against her neck before giving a final kiss under her ear and pulling away. Spencer gave a soft whine of protest, to which Derek just laughed. 

"It's only 8, I'll make you eggs. Sit." He patted the top of the chair at the small breakfast table. Spencer plopped into the chair, staring at the surface of the table absentmindedly. Derek chewed on his lip, watching her for a moment before he grabbed the eggs from the fridge and turned on the stove. He cooked in silence, chancing little glances over his shoulder at Spencer, who was still just staring. It made Derek's heart hurt, seeing something weighing on her like that. He hated how she wouldn't come to him about whatever it was, but he wouldn't push, as much as he wanted. 

"Here, baby." Derek said softly as he placed the plate in front of her and sat down with her. She blinked a few times before looking up at him with a sad smile. She gave him a 'thanks' before she started to eat. Spencer didn't seem to notice Derek was staring at her until some of the yolk from her egg started to drips down her chin and she heard Derek laugh. When she looked up at him, she saw the crinkles around Derek's eyes paired with his signature wide grin and she swallowed before giving him a smile in return. 

"What?" Spencer asked, grabbing herself a napkin and wiping her chin. Derek just shook his head and kept staring at her with what Penelope had so eloquently called "heart eyes". 

"Nothing, nothing I just-" He looked at her meekly, the air suddenly feeling incredibly think. "I just, um-" He started, but Spencer put her hand over his to silence him. 

"Hey. I know." She said as she stared back at him, what was left of her food forgotten. 

"You know?" Derek croaked, his hand trembling under Spencer's grip. 

"I know." She confirmed with a soft, adoring smile, her hand leaving Derek's to gently touch his face. Derek laid his hand on top of hers, leaning into the touch. 

"Good. Because I mean it." He said, adding a squeeze for emphasis. They stayed like that for a few moments, just looking at each other in pure adoration, before Spencer sighed softly and removed her hand reluctantly. 

"We gotta go." She said with a frown as Derek nodded in agreement. The both stood and immediately Derek closed the distance between them, kissing her hard with both hands holding onto her face. Spencer let out a soft "omph" in surprise, before kissing back and putting her hands on his hips. Derek was in his usual sleep attire, a pair of lounge pants and nothing else, and he couldn't help but thrust up slightly into the touch as her fingertips met his heated flesh. Spencer simply laughed at his ministrations before pulling back and shaking her head. 

"None of that." She said, laughing once more when Derek whined. "Get dressed, we'll drive together." She patted his butt and sent him to the bedroom, chewing on her lip as she saw him disappear down the hallway. She let out a large gust of air, placing her hands on the top of her head. They did it. They dropped the L bomb. An actual exchange of the three words didn't happen, but it was heavily implied. The way Derek had said it almost made it feel more intimate and raw. Spencer's heart was fluttering, and in more ways than one. 

Her whole body felt tingly and sated, like she was laying on a cloud while cherubs gathered around her, playing their harps as men fanned her and fed her peeled grapes. Okay, a bit dramatic, but an accurate description nonetheless. She was in love. Deeply, stupidly in love. So why did she feel guilty? Why was there dread settling in the pit of her stomach? Why did she feel as though it'd soon be snatched away from her? She knew why, but she just wanted to forget. She wanted to pretend they could go on like this forever, perpetually stuck in the honeymoon phase. They could move in together. They could get married. They could adopt two kids. They could go to sleep at night and hold onto one another and believe everything was perfect - but it's all been a lie. Was this, whatever they had, even real? She felt like everything was based on a lie, like her whole identity was just one big lie. 

Spencer let out a frustrated sigh, balling her hands up at her side, the bite of her nails in her palms calming her. When she heard the bedroom door close, she shook her head and put on a content smile before Derek came back out. 

"Ready?" She asked, grabbing her bag off the coffee table. Derek nodded and opened the door for her before wrapping an arm around her waist and leading her towards the stairs of the apartment building. If Spencer tensed at the contact, Derek didn't notice.  
____________________

During Spencer's allotted break, she knew what she had to do. She was dreading it, trying to find anything to keep her busy so she wouldn't have to make the call, but she couldn't avoid JJ forever, and every minute that passed by her heart sunk lower and lower as the realization of what she had said had been fully absorbed. Spencer was never good with confrontation or dealing with people when they were angry at her, but it was a lot different with JJ. She was like Spencer's big sister and she couldn't handle her being mad at her. 

So, sighing dramatically, she grabbed her phone and clicked the call button next to JJ's name. 

"I'm sorry." Both girls said in unison as the line was answered after three rings. They both let out relieved sighs, and Spencer heard JJ laugh softly. 

"God, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean what I said. I shouldn't have brought her up, I'm so sorry." Spencer rattled out quickly, leaning her head against her hand and rubbing her temple. 

"It's okay. I shouldn't have pushed you. I just- I worry, you know?" JJ replied. Spencer huffed out a laugh. Boy, did she know. 

Spencer met JJ under some unusual circumstances. She had first seen JJ at a transgender support group she joined a year before she started HRT - except JJ wasn't trans, much to everyone's confusion. Her sister, Rosaline, was, though. 'She used to be.' Spencer's brain corrected and she sighed, squeezing her eyes shut. Rosaline didn't have much support, familial or otherwise, outside of JJ. JJ was the little sister, but was always taking care of Roz like she was the oldest. JJ had a nurturing spirit - Chronic Mother Hen Syndrome, her boyfriend called it. So, it shouldn't come as a surprise that she was absolutely destroyed when Rosaline killed herself. JJ found her hanging in her own closet, holding a friendship bracelet JJ had made her when she was six. She still wears that bracelet everyday. 

JJ sought out grief support in the group because she felt as though regular griefshare counseling didn't, couldn't, understand why Rosaline took her life. They wanted her to mourn the loss of the brother she never had, and she couldn't do that. The constant validation of the group helped her heal, and Spencer played a key part in that recovery. JJ honed in on Spencer immediately, telling her she looked so much like her sister with tears in her eyes. For some reason, little mysophobic, self-conscious, awkward Spencer had held JJ tight to her chest and let her cry. From that point on, JJ had doted on Spencer like a surrogate sister. But sometimes she went too far, trying too hard to keep Spencer safe by telling her what to do. 

"I know you do." Spencer said with a sad smile that was reflected in her tone. 

"You were right, honestly." JJ said with a shaky sigh. "I do see you as Roz, and that's why this is so hard on me. I see how over the moon you are for Derek, and I get so worried that if something happened you'd.." 

"Hey." Spencer interjected before her friend could finish her morbid train of thought. "I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'm not gonna let you lose another sister." She knew JJ had smiled at that, and she heard her sniffle softly as well. 

"I-" Spencer started before she took a deep breath. "I'm going to tell him." Her hands began to shake and she had to swallow past several waves of nausea that hit her. Once she had said it, it became all too real. She knew she'd have to do it eventually, but now was really the time. She was petrified. 

"Whatever happens, you have me. You always have me, Spence." JJ answered, her soothing maternal tone grounding Spencer as she nodded her head as a confirmation for herself. 

"I love you, Jay." Spencer said genuinely, wiping at her watering eyes with the heels of her hands. JJ eagerly returned the sentiment and the call ended shortly thereafter. The phone clattered the the desk in front of Spencer, and her hands never ceased to shake even throughout her lecture later that day. 

____________________

Spencer and Derek arrived at Spencer's apartment later than usual. Spencer knew she was stalling if her slow driving and intense adherence to traffic laws were any indicator. She gripped the steering wheel until her fingers went numb, trying to keep herself calm as she listened to Derek talk about his day. 

"It was so cool, Spence, he was really into my design, an- Spencer?" Derek cut himself off, eyes narrowing at his girlfriend as he watched her white-knuckle grip on the wheel. "You're so tense, baby, are you okay?" He asked, voice oozing with worry. Spencer sighed and offered him a smile. 

"I'm okay. Long day." Spencer loosened her grip, dropping one hand to link her fingers with Derek. She relished in the contact, afraid it could be one of the last times she felt his touch. 

When they pulled into Spencer's complex, neither said a word as they trudged up the steps to her apartment. Derek kept his arm protectively slung around her waist, holding her close to his side as they moved. Spencer couldn't help but melt under his grip. She unlocked the door and the pair stepped inside, where she wordlessly retreated into the bathroom, and Derek frowned. He headed over to the bedroom, stripping out of his work clothes and into the pajamas he kept at her place. He was waiting for Spencer on the edge of the bed, planning on grabbing a shower after she finished. When the bedroom door swung open, though, Derek froze. 

Spencer stood before him in her undershirt and boy-short panties, and Derek gulped. He'd never seen so much of her. Even when she wore skirts or dresses she always had stockings or high socks on. The hem of her undershirt rested above her jutting hipbones and her panties were loose on her. Derek looked up to make a flirtatious remark, but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the look on her face. She looked absolutely terrified and there were tears streaming down her face. 

"Spencer?" Derek asked, immediately standing up and going to her. Spencer let out a choked sob before burying her face in his chest. Her whole body was shaking, and Derek couldn't do anything but hold her close to him. He heard her mumbling against his skin, and when he listened hard he could hear her repeating "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over. 

"Spencer, you're scaring me. What are you sorry for, why are you crying?" Spencer whimpered, shaking her head hard and clinging to Derek desperately. The latter let out a shaky sigh and tried feebly to pull her back. 

"Baby, look at me. Please, look at me." He pleaded, pushing firmly on her small frame. She looked at him like a child who knew they were about to be reprimanded and Derek swallowed hard. 

"What's wrong?" He tried to keep his voice level, but panic was setting in fast as a million different scenarios rushed through his head. He watched as Spencer took a deep breath, and, with her lower lip trembling, finally spoke. 

"I need to tell you something."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phewww okay this chapter was honestly hard to write it made me really sad getting in spencers head all like that. i should let you guys know though that spencer's feelings about being a closeted trans woman do not in any way shape or form reflect my opinion on the matter. trans people are not liars, they are not being deceitful, and their identities aren't some sort of ruse. this is just how spencer is feeling because her nerves are getting the best of her. try to understand that! next chapter is the big reveal and it's going to be very intense. i will put warnings in the notes so you can prepare. stay safe, i love y'all!


	7. The Book of Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys. this is a very heavy chapter that, in detail, deals with child sexual abuse and drug addiction, with mentions of racism, police brutality and suicide. it ultimately ends on a happy note, but it's quite the rollercoaster so please be careful. next chapter will, as per usual, be up tomorrow. enjoy!

Spencer couldn't will herself to stop shaking. Convulsing, would be the right word. Her whole body rocked with tremors that only intensified when Derek tried to soothe her. She couldn't handle the touch, knowing it was going to be ripped away from her. She peeled herself from Derek's body reluctantly, sitting on the edge of the bed with her back to him.

"Come on, you gotta talk to me." Derek pleaded. Spencer let out another choked sob, hugging herself tightly.

"I can't, I can't do this." She shook her head hard, her teeth chattering with the force of her tremors.

"Can't.. Can't do what?" She could hear Derek gulp. "Spencer, are you breaking up with me?" He asked hesitantly, expecting the worst.

" _You're_ going to break up with _me_!" Spencer cried out, burying her face in her hands. Derek took a seat beside her and placed a kind hand on her shoulder blade.

"Why would I ever do that? You know I-" He swallowed, looking down to see his own shaky hands. She knew he loved her, so why couldn't he say the word, even when she was in such a state of distress? She needed it now and he had to stop being a coward.

"You know I love you." Derek practically whispered. It only seemed to intensify Spencer's sobs. He took a deep breath before he continued.

"There's nothing you could tell me that would change that. Whatever you've done, whatever you've kept a secret, it's not going to change how I feel about you. Nothing could be that bad." He began to rub soothing circles on her back, trying desperately to calm her. In between sobs, Derek heard her cry "There is, there is" and he shook his head.

"There isn't. Now, tell me. Did you cheat?" Spencer's head shot up and for the first time she actually looked at him.

She shook her head violently as she exclaimed, "No! I would- _could_ never!"

"Did you kill someone?" Derek tried to tease. Spencer let out a bitter laugh and the sound made Derek shudder.

"Then I promise, whatever you're going to say, it can't change this, us." He grabbed her trembling hand in his own. "Nothing can."

Spencer held onto Derek's hand like a lifeline, hard enough to crush bones. Derek didn't even flinch, not caring because he knew it's what she needed.

With a deep breath, Spencer asked a simple question. "Do you believe in God?"

Derek blinked, before answering honestly. "No." He hoped she wouldn't ask why.

Slowly, Spencer nodded. "When I was a little kid, I used to think I did. It was easier to believe someone was up there because-" she exhaled sharply, "Because then I could blame what was wrong with me on someone. I could believe God made a mistake when he made me and that's why I was like.. This."

Derek looked at her with his brows furrowed. "Spencer, there's nothing wrong w-"

"Do you know what transgender means?" She blurted out before he could finish. Derek nodded dumbly.

"Yeah. Yeah, it's like.. When you're born a certain gender, but are actually a different one, right? I think one of Pen's friends, Anthony, he's transgender. But wh-" Derek cut himself off, realization dawning on him.

"Oh."

And suddenly Spencer's world caved in around her. A simple sound practically destroyed her. She did it. He knew. Nothing was ever going to be the same. She was going to live with the fact that her identity was the reason she would be alone forever. She couldn't breathe. The longer the silence went on for, the more Spencer thought she was going to die. She had never been so scared before.

The hand on Spencer's back was stiff, and she couldn't risk looking at Derek's face. She didn't want to see the disgust, the vacancy in the eyes that once conveyed so much love. She felt sick with fear and just wanted to curl into a small ball and pretend she had never said anything. Pretend she was cis, pretend she was what Derek thought she was, what Derek wanted, pretend she could make love to him the way he was used to, pretend she could carry his children, pretend they could build a real family. Pretend he still loved her.

After too many minutes had passed, Derek spoke. "Look at me." He said forcefully. "Please."

Spencer could barely muster the strength to raise her head. Slowly, her eyes crept up his body and finally landed on his face. There was no pity. No disgust. No anger. There was.. Nothing. Spencer blinked back more tears.

"Do you remember what I told you?" He asked ambiguously.

Spencer tilted her head to the side."I thought you were aware of the fact that my memory is eidetic, meaning I can't forget a single piece of information I hear or see despite-" Derek cut her off.

"The day we ran into Austin and you told me how she had made you feel about yourself. Do you remember what I told you?" He repeated.

"' _I went through life feeling really insecure and I thought I got to a good place but I realized tonight I still feel bad about the way I look.' 'Spence, baby, look at me. Spencer, I really, really like you. You're like the most beautiful woman in the world to me. After my momma. Sorry.'_ " Spencer recalled verbatim, her tone monotonous and robotic the whole way through. Derek couldn't help but give a small smile.

"Yes. That." Spencer looked at him incredulously, waiting for him to extrapolate.

Derek simply sighed. "Spencer Reid, you are the most beautiful woman in the world to me." He reiterated. "I told you just a few minutes ago nothing could change the way I feel. Do you not understand that?"

Spencer slowly processed the words. It was like she was in a trance, watching the scene play out like she was outside of her body. Derek couldn't be saying this. Her mind was making it up to protect her from the harsh reality of his rejection. This wasn't real. It couldn't be.

"You are the first woman I've had this connection with. The first woman I've ever.. Loved. Do you get that? Do you see how much I care about you? How could you ever think this could change anything?" Derek asked, though he knew Spencer was too dumbfounded to answer. "God, I should be mad at you. I should tell you how stupid you were to think that you couldn't trust me. I should yell at you for believing I was the kind of guy who would leave you because of this. But I can't. I can't be mad at you." He took a deep breath to steady himself. "C'mere." He whispered, lifting Spencer into his lap. She let out a pathetic sound and clung to him once again.

Slowly but surely, Spencer's sobs dwindled into little whimpers before they ceased completely. The weight of the world lifted off of her shoulders. She could breathe again. Months of hiding were finally a thing of the past. She did it. She fucking _did it,_ and Derek still loved her. She could think about the future without feeling sick. She could be intimate with him in the way she needed. That is, if he wanted to? She hadn't thought about that. She was too wrapped up in Derek's acceptance that she didn't consider how far it extended. He said he still loved her, but was he still attracted to her? Did he regret the things they did together?

"You-" Spencer began, clearing her throat as her words came out hoarse from her crying. "You're not.. Disgusted?" She asked ashamedly. Her previous fear began to seep back into her at a rapid rate.

"Disgusted? Why would I be disgusted?" Derek questioned, looking down at her after pressing a kiss to her head.

"Because we- We did stuff together. You touched me thinking I was.." Spencer couldn't finish her sentence.

"And?" Derek asked, eyebrows pulling together.

"And? You're straight! You like vaginas and I don't-" She was interrupted by a loud laugh.

"You think I'm straight?" Derek asked, continuing to chuckle. "Spencer, I'll put it this way. I love ice cream, and there ain't a flavor I tried that I haven't liked." He said, emphasizing with a wink.

"And what would it matter if I was straight, anyways? Straight men like women. You're a woman." Derek added. Spencer just shook her head.

"Yeah, but.. I have a penis." She practically whispered, putting her head in the crook of Derek's neck.

"Oh, thank God, I thought I was the only one." Derek said with a feigned sigh of relief, which earned a murmured "shut up" from Spencer. He smiled softly and began to pet her hair soothingly.

"So, you're still attracted to me?" Spencer inquired meekly. Derek scoffed.

"Attracted? Spencer, I could devour you. Even now, you look ravishing." He admitted, to which Spencer scoffed. Nonetheless, he tilted her head up with his finger, eyes scanning over her face.

"God, look at you." Derek said softly before leaning in and giving Spencer a kiss. Their lips brushed together, barely there kisses perfectly harmonized. Spencer kept her hand braced on Derek's chest while he cradled her face in one hand, smoothing the other over her hair. When he broke the kiss, he shifted so he could lay down and pulled Spencer down on top of his chest. She was compliant, curling up on top of him. She put her head over his heart, the steady beat soothing any residual nerves. With that and Derek's fingers stroking through her hair, she felt content enough to sleep, until she felt Derek's heart begin to speed up a bit.

"I want you to know I'm proud of you, Spencer. It takes balls-" Derek cut himself off, hearing Spencer huff out a laugh at his poor choice of words.

"Takes _guts_ to tell your partner a secret like that. Tell them about something that- that makes you feel ashamed, or unloveable." Derek's heartbeat was that of a hummingbird's and Spencer could feel the hand in her hair begin to shake.

"You know how when I was a kid my pop died." Derek said and Spencer felt him swallow.

"Well, after that.. After that, things weren't the same. I wasn't the same. I got caught up with the BDN, started slingin', bangin', just causin’ trouble everywhere I went. I was a good kid who got himself into some bad, bad shit." Spencer could tell this was just the beginning, so she slung her arm around Derek's midsection and squeezed him in encouragement. She couldn't see, but he looked down at her and smiled sadly.

"I got harassed by the cops a lot, and, man, no offense to you, but white cops in Chicago were ruthless in the 80's. They'd slam your face on the asphalt just for lookin' at them funny. There was this one cop, fucking Pollock named Gordinsky, who had it out for me since the start. He was always finding new reasons to rough me up, even when I wasn't doing anything. At the time, me and some of my friends would go to the local youth center to play ball. The guy who ran the place, um.. Carl. Buford, Carl Buford he, uh-" Derek cleared his throat and pulled Spencer closer. "He wrote a letter and helped get my record expunged. I mean, he practically saved my life, you know? I really, uh, really owed him one.

"After that, I really tried to clean up my act. I devoted a lot of time to playing ball, 'cause I knew there was no way I was gonna be able to go to college without a scholarship, and I'm no genius like you, so all I had was sports. Carl, he coached me. He taught me everything I know about the game. We got really close. I didn't have any male figures in my life after my pop died, and it was hard growing up without one. He was like.. My surrogate dad." Derek seemed reluctant to add the last bit, but quickly continued the story.

"He'd hang out with me, helped me with homework, gave me advice and stuff. We were real close. He um.. He-" Derek took a few steadying breaths to calm his erratic heartbeat. Spencer could feel his skin starting to heat up, his hands beginning to get sweaty. She didn't say anything, just let him talk.

"He took me up to his cabin. It was really cool, I'd never been outside the city before. Never even seen a lake. He asked if I wanted to get in. But, uh, I didn't bring any swim trunks, 'cause I didn't think we'd be swimming. He said it was okay, that I could go without them, and he'd do the same so I wouldn't be uncomfortable. I- I stripped down, and he just.. Watched. It wasn't as weird as I guess it should've been. He changed with me and the other guys in the locker rooms at the center a lot, even though he had his own office. So we, uh, we hopped in. It was fun, you know, 'cause it wasn't something I ever really got to do with my dad. He was working a lot and there wasn't much we could do together.

"It was freezing, though, man. We got out quickly, and while I was shivering Carl, he, um- He told me he had something inside to get me warmed up. Figured he'd light the fireplace and get me something warm to drink, or something. But he, uh, he- Fuck, he-" Derek's whole body was shaking, and so was Spencer's. They both just held onto each other for a few moments before Derek exhaled and continued.

"He started messing with me, man. Put his hand on my thigh and told me to relax. Fuck, I was only 14, I barely knew what sex was, and they don't talk to guys about- about stuff like that. That's just.. Something they always teach girls. Stranger danger, the difference between good touching and bad touching, stuff like that. They don't teach boys about that because they don't think it'll happen to them. I didn't know it was.. Wrong. I just knew it was uncomfortable. I didn't think that that was how adults were supposed to touch you, but I'd never really been alone with one outside of my family, so I thought maybe it was different for people you weren't related to. I guess I thought it was.. I don't know, normal.

"I didn't- I never told him to stop, not once. Not when he- when he worked me with his hand or- or made me do the same to him. Not when.. Not when he put his fingers in me, or pushed me down on my knees, or.. Or when he-"

Spencer didn't realize she was crying until she started peppering kisses to Derek's chest and realized it was wet with her tears. He was crying, too, his skin hot and flushed from head to toe. He'd never told anyone this. His mother never knew. His sisters never knew. He never told Penelope, or Savannah, never told anyone, but here he was, recounting the worst moments of his life to the woman he loved. She didn't say a word, just silently encouraged him, like she knew exactly what he needed in that moment.

"Most of the time I would- I'd get.. Aroused. Sometimes when he touched me, I'd- fuck, I would finish, and he'd tell me he was happy I liked it so much. The things he'd say to me, God, Spencer, I still hear them. Still see his face looming over me while he took me on the floor. And when I'd cry, not because it hurt, and sometimes not even because I wanted it to stop, but because I was so ashamed, so afraid that I liked it, he'd tell me, 'You better man up now, boy. Look up to the sky.' I'd stare at the ceiling and pray to God to come and save me but.. He never did. Fuck, that's why I don't believe. Because it's easier to think He doesn't exist than to accept that He does and realize He just didn't wanna save me, like He knew maybe.. Maybe deep down inside I liked it. That that was why I came when he touched me, why I kept going back to that stupid cabin. I should've said something. I could've made it stop, I could've helped myself but I didn't because I was so hungry for attention from a male figure that I'd take anything I could get and it was-" Derek let out a whimper, forcing back a sob. " _It was my fault._ "

Spencer disentangled herself from Derek's body, crawling up so that the two could be at an equal level, and grabbed his face in her hands. She kissed everywhere her lips could reach, wiping away the tears that he couldn't stop.

"It's not your fault." She said with her forehead pressed against his. He didn't say anything, so she repeated herself. "Derek. It's not your fault." He had his eyes screwed shut, tears pouring out from the corners. "Derek, look at me. Look at my face, please." Spencer asked softly, wiping away the new tears with her thumbs.

Derek felt like his eyes were sewn shut. He didn't want to look at her. He couldn't. He'd never felt so exposed, so raw, and so, so ashamed. It was one thing to experience it. It was one thing to carry the burden of it through life. It was one thing to keep it a secret. But it was infinitely more painful having to let those years of repression bubble to the surface. Every feeling he had fought back for 20 years was coming out and it made his chest feel like it was going to explode. He had never cried for himself before. He had never let himself feel the things he needed to in order to heal. But he was here, with Spencer, and she was being so kind and patient that he just had to give in and comply.

When he opened his eyes, he was met with a pair of red, puffy brown ones. Spencer's face was wrecked - she had snot and tears everywhere, her skin was blotchy and her nose was a deep scarlet. But she looked at him with so much love that he couldn't help but believe she was beautiful in that moment.

"Men like that, they're sick. They're depraved, perverted, disgusting. People who lay their hands on children, there's something wrong with them, Derek. Pedophilia and it's subcategories, they're illnesses that can't be cured. They don't discriminate in who they pick, and they make monsters. Carl Buford, he is a monster. He hurt you. He preyed on you, a young boy looking for a father, and he played that role. He's a psychopath. He felt nothing, feels nothing. He does things for his pleasure alone, and uses his skills to manipulate others by becoming exactly what they need. You needed a father, and he could smell that from a mile away. He played you, Derek. He found every insecurity you had and used it for his own pleasure. You did nothing. No one ever does anything. It is never the victim's fault. It can never be. It is always the fault of the perpetrator of the sexual violence, do you hear me? You could've come on to him. You could've begged him for it. You could've told him how much you wanted it, and you know what? It still wouldn't be your fault, because he was the adult, and he was supposed to protect you. You put trust in him and he betrayed that. It is not, and never will be, your fault." Spencer finished her spiel with a kiss to Derek's forehead.

"And as for your physical reaction? There are thousands of nerve endings in the meatus and glans alone. Stimulation to that, whether consensual or not, is extremely likely to result in an erection. That and anal stimulation, especially stimulation to the prostate, is bound to end in ejaculation. That doesn't mean consent, or that you enjoyed it. It's your body reacting. It's even common for rape victims who have vaginas to have orgasms during their assault. Not only that, but you were a teenager. Assigned male teenagers have increased hormones that can allow for arousal from any kind of stimulation. We both know that. You didn't like it, Derek, your body simply reacted to the stimuli." She affirmed, running her thumbs along Derek's cheekbones.

"How do you know?" He croaked, avoiding her gaze once again.

"I'll ask you a simple question and you tell me." Spencer said, earning a slight nod from Derek.

"Would you ever touch me sexually without my consent?" She asked, still holding Derek's face in her hands. The latter's eyes widened and were filled with something angry.

"What the fuck? No, never!" He practically yelled in her face. Spencer nodded and pursed her lips.

"Tell me why." She said. Derek scoffed.

" _Why_?! Because, Spencer, that's wrong! That's horrible, I'd never do that, not to you, not to anyone!" He cried, his face going red with anger. Spencer ran her fingers along his jaw and continued with the hypotheticals.

"What if I was hard?" She asked. Derek shook his head vigorously, too upset to form words.

"Why? Because even though my body reacted, even though I looked like I was enjoying it, I didn't want you to? Because I didn't like it, didn't want it?" She questioned. Derek stayed silent, shaking, rage bubbling up and preparing to overflow. "Do you see now, how I know? Tell me again. Did you like it?"

"No!" Derek shouted. "I hated it! I hated every second of it, and every minute of everyday I wanted to die because it was too much! I wished I was dead every time he put his hands on me! I didn't like it, I never liked it!" His whole body began to tremble, but Spencer kept calm, trying to ground him. She found it peculiar yet beautiful how their roles could switch at any given moment. She cared for Derek, and he for her. They completed one another.

"I know. I know, baby, I know." Spencer hushed him and he laid his head on her chest, their legs entangled with one another.

"Why'd he do this to me?" Derek was crying again, but this time it was soft, punched out sobs that showed how mentally and physically exhausted he was. Spencer pressed her lips together, trying not to shed a few more tears herself.

"I could tell you the theories forensic psychologists have about the causes of pedophilia. I could tell you statistics regarding the subject, what gender, what age, what race is most coveted amongst pedophiles, or the average race, age, and gender of pedophiles themselves, even. I could tell you what a preferential offender looks for, or what a victim of opportunity poses for a pedophile. I could tell you the number of children likely to be molested in their lifetime, or how many child pornography websites the FBI's Crimes Against Children Unit has uncovered in the last year alone. I could tell you everything I know, but knowing that won't make it any better, and I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a reason, a word, anything to make it better, but I can't. All I can do is this." She smiled sadly at the man she held, and he returned the sentiment as she leaned down to kiss him gently.

"I want you to have something." Spencer stated, patting Derek's leg before removing herself from the encumbered twist of limbs. She walked over to where her bag lay near the door and retrieved a small bronze coin from an inside pocket. She toyed with it a bit before taking a deep breath and nodding to herself. She headed back to the bed and laid down next to Derek. Taking his hand in hers, she placed the coin in his palm. Confused, Derek let go of her hand to investigate the object.

" _'5 years sobriety?_ '" He asked incredulously. Spencer gave a small smile.

"Shortly after I came out as trans, I had to have my mother committed to the sanitarium. I would visit her often but.. She was becoming less and less lucid by the day, and seeing me would only confuse and upset her. I felt incredibly alone and I tried to find any way to make myself feel better. I tried sex. A lot of it. I tried drinking, smoking, but none of it really made me feel anything. I was at a party one time, and there was this girl talking about something she called "pharmaceutical heroin”- Dilaudid, or hydromorphone, rather. It's an opioid, similar to morphine but a hell of alot stronger. She had me try it with her and it was.. The physical embodiment of euphoria. It made everything seem like this hazy wonderland.

"But, of course, it didn't last, and I became addicted very quickly. I was hooked for nine months until I met my friend JJ, who I can't wait for you to meet, and she convinced me to go to NA. I keep my sobriety chip wherever I go, because it reminds me everyday how strong I am. When I feel weak, weary, or depressed, and I just wanna give up, I look at that coin and remember it's a token of my strength." Spencer said with conviction, smiling a genuine smile. She reached out and closed Derek's hand around the coin. "So, I want you to have it, so you can remember how strong you are, too."

Derek was sniffling and furiously wiping at his eyes, trying to regain his composure. "Spencer, I can't take this, I-" He looked up and saw her give him "The Look" - the one that says "Do as I say because you know I'm right." He returned her smile and looked down at the coin once more.

"Okay. Okay, thank you. Thank you. I love you." He added the last part softly, clutching the coin to his chest momentarily. Spencer nodded and placed her head on his shoulder, watching as he twirled the coin between his fingers.

"I love you, too." Spencer took his hand in hers and intertwined their fingers, the coin placed snugly between their palms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone." - Fred Rogers


	8. The Boy Next Door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooow sorry im kinda behind my updating schedule. i had work today! this chapter is pure sex. like there's nothing else. it's just fucking. sorry mom, sorry god. you can skip this chapter if that ain't your thang because there's literally no plot except some sweet little i love yous. also, there's daddy kink at the end but it's not sexual, it's just making fun of it. enjoy, y'all.

When Derek awoke the next morning, he was met with the intense gaze of Spencer. Their faces were pressed against one another and their hands still clasped together. He blinked several times in surprise and watched as Spencer smiled widely at him, still just staring.

"Well, hello, Edward Cullen." Derek joked, to which Spencer rolled her eyes at.

"I'm going to pretend I know what you are referencing and trust that, knowing you, it's probably not all that funny." She retorted. Derek feigned hurt, giving her an exaggerated pout.

"Oh, so I'm not funny now? Fine. Your jokes suck, too." He replied, sounding like an indignant kindergartener.

"My joke about derivatives and Pokemon was fucking hilarious, thanks."

Derek just shook his head and laughed.

"You're a nerd, you know that?" He said affectionately, reaching out to brush away a stray strand of Spencer's hair.

"Mhm, and my favorite subject is you." Spencer said as she booped his nose, laughing as he scrunched it up like a rabbit and mumbled "so corny".

"How long you been awake?" Derek asked. His hand trailed down her head to gently caress her cheekbone before he let it settle on the conjunction of her neck and shoulder.

"I was only watching you for five minutes, don't worry." Spencer teased. "You just looked so.. I don't know, peaceful. Made me happy." She leaned in for a soft, chaste kiss, keeping their foreheads together.

"Thank you." Derek whispered, to which Spencer nodded without a word. They laid there together for a bit, not talking, not touching, just breathing and staring with their faces against one another. Finally, Spencer broke the silence.

"Are you hungry?" She asked, moving to touch Derek's cheek. He smirked.

"Yeah, but not for food." He said boldly, leaning in and kissing her. It was much more passionate than before and Spencer allowed herself to melt into the kiss until she pushed back on Derek's chest. She swallowed and averted her gaze elsewhere.

"You- You don't really want that." Spencer said in disbelief. Despite what he had told her, she still felt unappealing. She thought maybe Derek's insistence on her beauty had more to do with making her calm down than it did with actually being a true revelation. Even if he did find her beautiful, beautiful didn't always mean sexually attractive. Maybe before, when Derek had been flirtatious and had been eager to touch her, it was only because he didn't know she was trans. She knew he was bi, but maybe seeing genitals he usually associated with a man on a woman would confuse him instead of excite him. She couldn't help but grow nervous, beginning to fiddle with the collar of Derek's shirt. She heard him sigh and slowly peeked up at him.

"What did I tell you last night?" Derek asked, not expecting any answer because he knew she knew. "You're not just beautiful, Spence, you're- Fuck, you're hot. Sexy. Enticing. Don't you get that?" He gently took Spencer's face in his hands, forcing eye contact. She gulped and nodded, albeit skeptically.

"Look, if you don't wanna do anything with me now, that's fine. If you never wanna do anything with me, that's fine, too. But the point is, I want you. I want you bad, Spence." Derek took a breath and swallowed, before adding, "that is, if you want me, too." Spencer's eyes widened comically and she let out a sound resembling a scoff and a laugh.

"Are you serious? Derek, the last time I saw you get out of the shower I got an erection in 9.12 seconds flat and you're honestly wondering if I'm sexually attracted to you?" She said bluntly, only blushing once she realized the crudeness of her statement. Derek cocked an eyebrow at her, suddenly remembering the moment she was speaking about. His breathing sped up a bit, and Spencer thought she saw his cheeks redden.

"Jesus, was that why you nearly knocked me over trying to get into the bathroom?" He asked. When Spencer said nothing, her blush deepening, Derek bit back a low moan.

"You hopped in the shower and touched yourself, didn't you? Thinkin' about me?" He slowly trailed his hand down her side, resting it at her hip where her tank top had risen up a bit. Spencer let out a soft whine when Derek's fingers came into contact with the bare skin of her hipbone. She didn't respond to Derek's question, which only encouraged him further.

"What'd you think about me doing to you? Was I touching you, nice and slow and soft, just like this?" He continued talking as his hand continued to stroke up and down her side. When he slid his hand down, he would brush his thumb over her sharp hipbone, and when he went upwards, he'd let his pinky lightly drag over her breast.

"Was I touching you here?" Derek gently moved his hand to Spencer's breast, slowly rubbing circles over her nipple with the pad of his thumb. She shivered, leaning into the touch and hesitantly pressing her hips closer to Derek, trying to muster the courage to press their erections against one another.

"...or here?" The hand on Spencer's breast moved slowly down her body until it rested on her ass. He gripped it in his hand and Spencer whined.

"There's," she started, having to clear her throat before she continued. "There's a key element missing from this fantasy." Derek laughed softly at the words, leaning in to press kisses to her neck and shoulder.

"What's that, baby?" He asked, lips brushing against the shell of Spencer's ear. She slowly moved one hand to the waistband of Derek's pants, and swallowed hard around the lump rising in her throat.

"You're not naked." She whispered, hand trailing lower to cup him. He let out a sharp breath that ghosted over Spencer's ear, causing her to shiver.

"Well, that can be arranged." Derek stated simply, his voice in Spencer's ear making her moan.

He pulled away, much to Spencer's dismay, and shimmied out of his pants and briefs. He pulled back the covers so she could get a good look at him, and boy did she look. They hadn't done much in the past few months, save for a couple handjobs under the covers and one blowjob late one night when Derek came home from work, incredibly stressed out by his new project. It'd been two months, six days, and twenty-nine minutes since Spencer had last seen Derek's cock up close and personal, and although her memory would never let her forget the look of it, seeing it again was much, much better than imagining it.

"What about you? Were you naked?" Derek asked, running his hand up her body once again. She tore her gaze away from his hard cock and looked at him, blushing heavily.

"I.. Had my panties on." She lied feebly. She'd love to lay completely naked with Derek, but she just hadn't mustered the courage for that to quite yet. That didn't mean she wasn't ready for him to see the rest of her body, though.

"But.. You were taking my top off. Laying me down on my back, running your fingers along my sides and my stomach. Then you were-" Spencer tried to avoid looking at Derek, but couldn't. "You were kissing me everywhere. Using your tongue and.. Your teeth, too." She murmured, wanting nothing more than to bury her face in her hands and hide. She was never good at dirty talk. Once the sex got going though, she'd be too lost in the moment to really care about her embarrassment. Still, this was different. This was just the build-up. To what, Spencer didn't know. She wasn't sure if they would fuck, or if they'd blow one another, or jerk each other off, or discuss the entropy of matter and its relevance to quantum theory and black holes. Either way, she couldn't stop her cheeks from burning.

"Mm, I can do that. Would love to taste you, every inch of you." Derek said, hands moving to the hem of Spencer's shirt. She couldn't stop her litany of small moans and whimpers, especially as he dragged her tank top up tantalizingly slow. She lifted her arms in order to help him pull it off, and slowly rolled on her back like she said. Instinctively she covered herself, using the sheets as a barrier between her bare breasts and Derek's gaze. She didn't know what had gotten into her. Usually, she had little qualms about her partners seeing her body. She was confident in herself and her sexual abilities, but right now all of that was a thing of the past. Those men and women were different from Derek. She didn't have to see them again the next day, sit at them with breakfast, watch soap operas with them on Sunday's, or go out to get ice cream with their friends. She had to face Derek after this, and she was afraid he'd look at her differently.

"C'mon, baby, that's not how it goes." He teased lightly. He trailed his finger down her arm and back up again before he touched her collarbone and ever so slowly inched it down until it was at the top of the bundle of sheets. Spencer reluctantly loosened her grip on the fabric, allowing Derek to hook his finger under them and drag them down until they rested below her hips. When he took in her appearance, she heard a sharp intake of breath.

"Fuck, Spencer.." Derek murmured idly, eyes roaming her body, scrutinizing every inch of it. Spencer watched his face for anything resembling disgust or disdain, but was met with nothing but flushed cheeks and lust-blown pupils. He maneuvered himself so he was looming over her, setting back on his legs. His hands found their way to Spencer's body once again, and he quickly began exploring.

"So much more beautiful than I imagined. Look at you. God, you're perfect. Can't wait to taste you." Derek mumbled as he placed both hands on Spencer's small breasts and rubbed his thumbs over her nipples. He pinched them lightly and Spencer's back arched up as she moaned, low and throaty.

"Fuck, get to it already." Spencer demanded. Derek would've chuckled at her eagerness, but all he could do was moan lowly and comply. He leaned down and began to trail hot, open-mouthed kisses down Spencer's neck, not leaving any part of her untouched. His lips reached her breasts and he finally put his mouth on one of her nipples. He ran his tongue over it slowly, one hand still cupping the other breast while one rested on her hip. Spencer kept moaning in encouragement, so Derek went ahead and ever so gently sunk his teeth into her nipple, pinching the other one at the same time, which earned him a punched out moan from Spencer. The noises she was making were going straight to Derek's cock, and he couldn't help but press it against Spencer's, thrusting his hips up and moaning at the feeling of her cotton panties dragging against him.

"And then this," Spencer started, moving her hips up to meet Derek's actions. "This was when you.. When you took off my panties, and when you started to touch me." She hinted, slowly rocking her hips against Derek's. He lapped at her nipple once more before raising his head up to look at her.

"Did I use my hands?" He asked, beginning to trail kisses lower and lower down her body.

"Or did I use my mouth?" He looked up at her and grinned wolfishly, to which Spencer could only reply with a soft whine.

"Both." She managed to say. Derek just nodded, ducking back down again and continuing to kiss her abdomen. When he reached the waistband of her panties, he looked back up at her with a serious expression. Spencer felt fear seep into her veins. She was afraid Derek was going to realize he wasn't comfortable touching or seeing her penis, or even realize that he had bitten off more than he could chew. She gulped and met his gaze.

"Are you sure you want this? I don't want to make you uncomfortable, or do anything you don't like." Derek asked softly, gently stroking Spencer's hip bones.

"Please" was all she could say, causing Derek to let out a soft laugh at her desperation. He broke his gaze with her to look down as he hooked his fingers underneath her panties and pulled them down, agonizingly slow. As the soft fabric dragged over her cock, all Spencer could do was moan and arch her back, pushing into the touch. When Derek finally pulled her panties all the way down and over her feet, he drank in the sight before him and groaned.

Spencer was.. Well, small. Everything about her was, and this was no different. She was just pushing four inches, with an average girth, so she was just slightly below average size. Most of her partners were indifferent to her size. Often times she wasn't the one doing the penetrating anyways, even with most women, so it didn't really seem to matter. Derek, however, couldn't stop staring. He didn't know why, but the size of her just seemed so.. Cute. Not in a creepy, Lolita esque way, but in a fragile, feminine way. Most of Derek's same sex partners were bigger guys - he was never really into the whole twink/bear scene, and although two dominant, husky dudes going at it was a challenge, he always preferred strong, muscular men as bed mates, so the dicks he was used to were usually, well, masculine. He got enough softness and femininity from the women he slept with and that's what Spencer was - decadently sweet, soft, delicate and just so _Spencer_ and he just couldn't stop looking at her in awe.

Spencer, however, felt nothing shy of overwhelmingly self conscious. She wondered why Derek was just staring at her like a peculiar abstract painting that you just can't seem to "get", although she felt like anything but a work of art. She resisted the urge to press her thighs together to hide from his gaze, and instead spoke her mind.

"You, um- You really don't have to.. Touch it, if you don't want to. I-I get that it's probably a shock and I don't want to weird you out so you just don't have t-" She stammered quickly, only to be cut off by Derek's gruff voice.

"Spencer, you need to stop being so willing to give up your own pleasure in order to cater to your partner. You deserve to be touched as much as I do, and there's no way in hell I'd ever not want to get my hands on you. Capisce?" He said concisely. Spencer looked at him strangely, but nodded nonetheless. She'd never really had a partner so totally concerned with her pleasure. Most of her partners were good to her and she'd often leave satisfied, sure, but their ministrations were usually only part of a quid pro quo mentality; if they gave to her, she'd give to them. The difference between Spencer and her other partners, though, was that she was always willing to give even if it meant never receiving. She supposed Derek would be having none of that and she felt her whole body flush at the idea of him being so enthralled by giving her pleasure.

Satisfied with her response, Derek gave her a smile that slowly developed into a smirk as he slid his hand over from her hip to her groin. The second he took Spencer's cock in his hand, she let out a loud, breathy "oh", which only encouraged him further. She fit perfectly in his large hand, her head just barely peeking out of his grip. Derek gave her a slow, firm stroke, rubbing the head of her cock with his thumb. He kept moving his fist up and down her short length, even as he craned his head back down again. He kissed up Spencer's stomach, darting out his tongue to run it along the expanse of skin just below her belly button. She had a small patch of hair there, leading down to her cock, but it was soft and blonde, barely there because of the estrogen, which allowed for minimal body hair nearly everywhere else as well. She still had to shave, but the hair didn't grow in thick and coarse like it did before. She always relished in the feeling of newly shaven legs. She shaved meticulously pre-HRT, but it was never quite as satisfying as it was now.

The more Derek touched her, the more confident Spencer began to feel. She was much more responsive now that she wasn't paralyzed by her fear of rejection. She had placed one of her hands on Derek's head, urging him to kiss more and more of her, and let the other one trailed down her chest to toy with her nipple. When Derek reached her chest, he pouted playfully at her.

"Hey, that's my job." He said, and Spencer responded with a laugh, only to be cut off by a choked moan when Derek gave her cock a gentle squeeze as he ran his thumb over her slit. He smirked to himself, nudging away Spencer's hand before he latched his mouth onto her delicate flesh. He nipped and sucked carefully on the sensitive bud, earning a litany of moans that only seemed to get louder and louder by the second.

Derek was moving his hand agonizingly slow, so Spencer couldn't help but let out frustrated groans. He only laughed at her, licking a slow stripe up her nipple before looking at her.

"No need to be so eager, we got all day." Derek chastised, though it could be seen as a little hypocritical. He himself was growing impatient, if the throbbing between his legs was any indication of that. He was lazily rutting against the sheets, trying to relieve some tension for himself, but stopped when he withdrew his hand from Spencer's cock. Spencer only whimpered at that, giving him the kicked puppy look, and Jesus, she did puppy-eyes better than Clooney. All she had to do was start panting with her tongue out and the look would be perfected.

Impromptu pet-play thoughts aside, Derek couldn't resist the look on her face. No. Must stay strong. No, no. Abort mission. Abort. He leaned back on his haunches, placing his hands on either side of him, fingers grasping the sheets to keep him from touching her. He wanted this to actually last.

"If we have all day, doesn't that mean this is only round one?" Spencer purred, her hands reaching out to touch Derek. Oh, sweet Jesus. Her fingers walked teasingly up his chest, circling over his nipples before she ran both hands down his body.

Derek looked up to the ceiling and, with a groan, said, "Our Father, who art in heaven, thank you for this sweet, sinful angel."

Spencer laughed. "You know," she started, hands trailing down Derek's abs, "in Jewish mythology, it's said that before Eve, God created a wife for Adam, Lilith. However, because, unlike Eve, she was created by God and did not come from Adam's rib, she saw herself as Adam's equal, and refused to be subservient to him. God banished her to hell, where she became the first demon."

"And you're Lilith, huh?" Derek asked, to which Spencer nodded. "Aw, does that make me Adam?" He said with a frown.

"No." Spencer grinned. "It actually makes you Samael, the archangel Lilith fucked as a way to say "screw you" to Adam, God, and the kyriarchy." She took Derek's cock in her hand, jerking it upwards for emphasis.

"Thanks - ah, fuck - for the lesson in history and - shit - intersectional feminism." Derek managed to croak out while Spencer kept moving her hand.

"What happened to me getting my mouth on you, huh?" Spencer simply rolled her eyes.

"What happened to, 'No need to be so eager, we got all day, baby'?" She said in a mocking tone, trying but failing to imitate Derek's deep voice.

"Wow, you know what, that's the first time a chick's ever made fun of me as a form of foreplay. Thanks for that." He replied sarcastically.

"Humiliation kink, huh? I can get behind that." Spencer joked, cutting off Derek's snarky reply as she started up with her hand on his cock once again.

"What's your kink, then?" He asked after grunting quietly.

"I have a Derek Morgan Blowing Me Kink." Spencer replied in a blasé tone, removing her hand and settling down on her back again. She cocked (ha) an eyebrow at Derek to say 'Well?' as she spread her legs unashamedly. Derek stared, not even bothering to reply with something sarcastic or flirtatious.

It had been quite a long time since he'd given a blowjob, or head in general. Savannah didn't like it, for reasons unknown, and after they broke up he didn't really get with that many people. He also hadn't received it in a long time before Spencer, either. Savannah didn't like that either. Jesus, why did he keep thinking about her? Why did he keep comparing her to Spencer? He couldn't help it, though. She was everything Spencer was not, and vice versa. Savannah was.. Safe. She was Derek's foolproof backup plan. He feared being alone for the remainder of his life, and knew hopping from bed to bed wasn't going to cease that nagging feeling in his gut. So, he took her out on a date. And then another one. And another, until he was eating pork roast with her folks and having missionary sex with the lights off once or twice a month. She was sweet. Funny. Pretty. But she was so boring, and Derek hated himself for thinking it but it was true. She was a wonderful woman, but not _the_ wonderful woman. Spencer was.

Spencer was beautiful. She was wickedly smart, sharp witted, hilarious in her own dorky way, and anything shy of boring. Derek could talk to her for hours about topics he couldn't even comprehend and was never not being entertained. He could watch her sleep and never even blink, so enamored by her beauty. He would cherish her. He would rub her feet. He would get excited to eat dinner with her parents, because he loved her. He loved her so much and was gonna show her.

Derek settled himself between Spencer's legs, taking in the sight of her. She was achingly hard, leaking, and flushed red. Derek's own cock was trapped between his body weight and the mattress, which was just shy of painful. They were both desperate for release, and Derek was determined to bring them both off. He took Spencer's small cock in his hand, stroking upwards once before he leaned in and began to kiss along her length. Spencer was whining, back arching, hips bucking, urging Derek to give her more. Wanting to waste no more time with playful teasing, he put his mouth onto her head and sucked as he placed his tongue flat against her slit. She kept up with her soft noises that increased in volume when Derek took the rest of her in his mouth. Her small size made it easy for Derek's throat to accommodate, her head just barely brushing against his gag reflex.

Spencer made the most obscene noises when Derek started to bob his head, her hands going to his shoulders. She dug her nails into his dark skin, trying desperately not to buck her hips upwards. She was so far gone, teetering just on the edge that she had no idea just how loud she was getting. Her moans only intensified as Derek grabbed her legs and hooked them over his shoulders, taking her all the way down his throat until he popped off and began licking lower and lower. Spencer's eyes widened slightly once she realized where he was heading.

"Can I eat you out, baby?" Derek asked, nipping at the soft skin around her cock. Spencer, despite her eagerness, still blushed and hesitated.

"I- No one's ever- I mean, I've never, either, but I-" Spencer managed to stutter out, looking down at Derek, which only made her blush deeper.

"Mm, s'okay. I've done it plenty of times, even been on the receiving end two or three times. Feels good, but we don't have to do that today?" Derek offered, rubbing circles on the inside of Spencer's thighs. She just shook her head.

"No! No, I mean. I want you to. I just- I'm.. Not sure how it will feel. And I'm really embarrassed. And I don't really shave.. 'there' and I just-" Spencer swallowed and shook her head once more, this time to herself. "No, you know what? Fuck it. Go for it. I'm so close right now that you could ask me to squeal like a dolphin and I'd come. So, go for it. Eat my pussy." She stated matter-of-factly. Derek's eyes widened at the usage of her language, but he grinned nonetheless and complied. Spencer had taken to using that word ever since one of the men she slept with after her transition had called it that. She thought it was hot, and it made her comfortable as well as getting Derek a little hot and bothered. Win win for everybody.

When she felt Derek's tongue dart out and slowly lick a stripe along her hole, all Spencer could do was cry out his name. It was strange. Really strange. But, really, really good. It was like the first time she'd fingered herself. Weird, but impossibly pleasurable. Derek pulled her hips forward more and Spencer instinctively spread her knees apart, her feet crossed on top of Derek's back. He moaned his approval, beginning to lick her out with reckless abandon. He was rutting desperately against the sheets and Spencer could tell he was close by the way his hands on her hips began to tremble. She was almost there as well, just needed something, anything to push her over the edge. That something just so happened to be Derek's tongue pushing inside of her. That was it for the both of them as they came practically in unison, Derek's moans muffled while Spencer's were loud and proud.

When the two finally came down from their climaxes, they immediately cuddled up against each other, Derek a deadweight on top of Spencer, who didn't seem to care.

"That was.." They both started at the same time, both laughing and smiling at one another. Spencer felt tears prickle at her eyes, only noticing them when Derek's expression flooded with worry.

"Spencer, what's wrong, why are you crying? Did I hurt you?" He asked frantically, looking over her body. Spencer laughed.

"Hurt me? God, no. And there's nothing wrong. It's the exact opposite of wrong, I-" Spencer took a deep breath and blinked, her smile beaming. "I just love you." She whispered, leaning forward to kiss Derek softly. He sighed in relief against her lips, mirroring her smile.

"I know, baby. Me too."

Spencer's heart was beating so fast and hard in her chest. It knocked against her sternum, threatening to burst with the emotions that overwhelmed her. She had been at her most vulnerable with Derek. She allowed herself to be open and exposed, bared everything for him to see. And he relished in it. He worshipped every inch of her body like she was fucking Aphrodite. Spencer had never felt so loved and appreciated before. No one had ever shown her so much tenderness and eagerness to pleasure her. Her whole body was drumming with euphoria.

"We're sticky." Spencer said, dazed as she stared at Derek. He barked out a laugh.

"Get up, I'll get a washcloth and change the sheets." Spencer groaned, flopping over onto her stomach dramatically once Derek climbed off of her.

"Come on, up and at 'em." He said, giving a playful smack to Spencer's butt. She groaned her disapproval, but got up nonetheless. Derek returned shortly with a warm damp cloth that he used to clean Spencer up.

"Good as new." He remarked, heading off down the hall once again to grab a fresh pair of sheets. Spencer stretched her arms out before she pulled on one of Derek's T shirts and a new pair of panties. She totally didn't pick a thong on purpose. Nope. She grabbed an elastic to tie the front of Derek's shirt, tucking the excess fabric underneath itself just above her navel, grinning devilishly. When Derek returned, Spencer's back to him as she pretended to fiddle with something, he dropped the fresh set of sheets on the floor. Spencer turned around and just smiled sweetly.

"Having difficulty there?" She asked coyly. Derek groaned as he bent to retrieve the sheets.

"Alright, alright, someone's already planning round two, I see." He chuckled lightly. "But, we need to eat. So, take off your sexy makeshift ensemble and put something you can wear out in public on because I want to go to fucking IHOP." Derek said as he began to strip off the sheets. Spencer only laughed and replied, "Yes, daddy." Derek stiffened before he spun around and gaped at her. Spencer's smug expression faded.

"Oh, my God, you have a daddy kink." She squeaked. Derek's eyes widened and he blushed a deep scarlet.

"No, shut up!" Derek squawked but Spencer just continued her torment.

"Oh, fuck, Derek Morgan has a daddy kink." She snorted. "Oh, yeah, I could totally be your good little girl, have you bend me over your knee an-"

"Shut up, I hate you!" Derek yelled as he flung a pillow at Spencer's face. She narrowly escaped death by pillow fight as she ducked, giggling maniacally.

"Get dressed!" Derek demanded, to which Spencer replied, "You too, daddy." He shot her a glare, but she just kept giggling.

She pulled out some simple clothes and shoes, quickly dressing but making a show out of getting her skinny jeans on, knowing Derek had abandoned making the bed long ago. When she was dressed, she watched as Derek did the same, grinning at him the whole time.

"Don't objectify me." He said in a mock indignant tone. Spencer smacked his arm, reaching for his hand as they headed to the door.

"So, did you know IHOP was founded in 1958, the first restaurant opening on July 7th in Toluca Lake?" Spencer began her spiel, and Derek could only smile. As they headed down the hallway of Spencer's building, Derek noticed her neighbor's teenage son walk out of the door. When he saw Spencer, his face turned bright red, his eyes focusing on her body. Derek looked at him, but the boy didn't even seem to notice. He started to wonder if the kid had heard them going at it. Probably. Spencer was so vocal and talkative, and the walls were pretty thin. The thought made him feel more jealous than he'd like to admit. The noises Spencer made as he touched her were only for him to hear, thank you very much. Derek looked back at Spencer, who was still going on about IHOP.

"...so they offered Applebee's bar and grill $3.1 billion dollars to buy them out, bu- mmph!" Derek cut her off with a searing kiss, pushing her back to the wall as his hands gripped her hips tightly. She kissed him back, albeit hesitantly, slightly confused. When he pulled back, Spencer smiled at him, though her brows were pulled together in confusion.

"What was that for?" She inquired. Derek just shook his head and smirked.

"Nothin'. I just love you." He said as he released her hips, his arm going around her shoulders while he led them towards the stairs. Derek chanced a glance over his shoulder, and winked at the kid when he saw him gaping at the pair.


	9. Misadventures at the International House of Pancakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they're baaaack. thank y'all for being patient. im so happy you guys enjoy me so much. im also sad though because i believe the next chapter will be the final one. but don't worry, im planning on making a series where i'll add other standalone fics pertaining to this verse. i hope you enjoy these last two chapters as much as i enjoyed writing them!!

Derek and Spencer could not have picked a worse day to go to IHOP. Apparently, it was international pancake day, which meant they were giving free stacks of pancakes to customers. It was a jungle in there, all pushing and shoving and begging to be seated.

Spencer tugged on Derek's arm. "I think that lady just elbowed that little girl in the face." She said in horror. Derek held her close.

"Shh. I will protect you. We must not show them our fear."

After a thirty minute wait filled with complaining on Spencer's behalf, as well as a briefing on the history of Shrove Tuesday, the pair was finally seated.

"So, after Lent, pancakes were consumed because of their high fat content and their- JJ?" Spencer rambled, cutting herself short as her eyes shot to a petite blonde walking past her and Derek's table, holding hands with a good looking guy.

"Oh, my god! Hi!" The blonde cried out, immediately seizing Spencer once she stood. The two girls practically squealed as they held onto one another. Derek looked at the man accompanying JJ, completely and totally lost.

"Jus' go with it, my man." He instructed Derek in a thick Cajun accent.

"Derek, it's JJ!" Spencer cried out, holding JJ's hand and raising it upwards for emphasis. The exuberant expression on JJ's face faded as she narrowed her eyes at Derek. "And Will!" Spencer added, pointing to the man standing awkwardly by the table.

"Yeah, I gathered that." Both Derek and Will chuckled while the girls just glared. "Hey, it's really nice to meet you guys, seriously." Derek stood up to shake Will's hand, and then JJ's, but she just crossed her arms over her chest.

"Right. Um-" Derek managed to get in before JJ silenced him.

"Spence is too good for you." She stated bluntly. Everyone's eyes widened except for Derek, who just grinned and looked down shyly.

"Yeah, I know." He peeked at Spencer and gave her a wide smile.

"Good. You better go to sleep at night thanking whoever’s out there for her, because she's a gift, you hear me?" JJ wrapped her arm around a blushing Spencer, while Will just watched the scene play out with a bored look on his face. He was used to JJ's fierce loyalty to Spencer and he didn't ask questions.

"But, she loves you. So, I love you, too. But I don't like you." JJ told him.

"Uh.. Thanks?" Derek said, swimming in confusion. JJ simply nodded while Will smiled apologetically.

"Why don't you guys sit and eat with us? Get to know each other so maybe JJ can leave not wanting to murder me." Both Will and Spencer laughed and even JJ gave a small, secret smile.

The group settled around the table, looking over the menus.

"So um, JJ, how'd you meet my girl?" Derek asked, smiling at Spencer and then the blonde. She began to stammer, eyes darting between Spencer and Derek. She looked like she was searching for an answer that wasn't there.

"It's okay. I told him." Spencer reached over the table and grabbed Derek's hand, squeezing it gently. JJ smiled fondly at her friend before her expression turned serious.

"We.. Met at a support group. For girls like Spence." JJ stated concisely.

"Oh, are you, too? Transgender, I mean." Derek explained. JJ gave a small laugh while Spencer giggled as well.

"No, no. But, um.. My sister was. Rosaline." JJ shook her head, smiling sadly as she said the name. Derek frowned. He remembered Spencer's conversation on the phone the other day. That name was mentioned, and it seemed to greatly upset JJ. Then, Derek thought about her syntax. _Was_ , she said. She _was_ her sister, not _is_.

"I'm sorry for your loss." Derek said kindly, giving her a sympathetic smile. Will had his arm wrapped around JJ's shoulders now, comforting her with the affection. The girl's eyes widened slightly.

"How did you-" She started, but Derek interrupted.

"I lost my dad, when I was a kid. You said 'was' not 'is'. That's how I talk about him, so I just figured.. You know. I'm really sorry." He explained. JJ mirrored his sympathetic smile, while both of their partners comforted them with touch.

Right then their waiter arrived, dragging them away from the serious and morbid conversation. They each ordered and Derek was thoroughly surprised when JJ asked for three eggs, a stack of pancakes, four pieces of bacon, sausage, and a side of scrapple. Where the hell did she put that food?

"Wow, eating for two there?" Spencer said what was on Derek's mind. He didn't want to ask. He grew up surrounded by women and had once made the mistake of asking a very PMS Desiree if she was sure she was going to eat all her food. He got smacked four times - one from his mother, one from Sarah, one from his aunt, and a final one from Desi.

Derek watched through narrowed eyes as JJ shared a knowing look with Will. She turned and beamed at Derek and Spencer.

"I was going to tell you, but.." She said to Spencer. She was pressing her lips together trying to stifle her wide smile.

"Tell me wh- Oh, my God! You're pregnant! She's pregnant!" Spencer bounced in her chair before she launched up and hugged JJ tight. "How far along?"

"Fourteen weeks." She said proudly. "I wanted to tell you the second I found out, but it was so early on I was.. Afraid I'd miscarry." Derek and Spencer watched as JJ gulped. They could sense how JJ was excited but also incredibly afraid of complications, which was understandable. Spencer couldn't imagine what it would be like to be pregnant, having a fetus depending on your body for nutrients, becoming attached to the small bundle of cells, only to have it die inside of you.

"Oh, JJ, I'm so happy for you." Spencer gave her friend a squeeze that was returned promptly. They sat back down and Spencer started to inform JJ of what was happening in her body.

"The term 'morning sickness' is actually pretty inaccurate, as most of the vomiting usually occurs midday when the pregnant person is exposed to more smells. It has to do with the rapidly increasing estrogen and progesterone levels. God, when I started HRT I could not stand the smell of toast for two whole months. I also could not stop peeing. You'll experience that but probably much worse as the fetus will be bearing down on your bladder. It's also common to experience constipation because the bowels shrink and-" Everyone at the table was gagging and JJ was holding up a hand to signal Spencer to stop.

"Please, I beg of you, do not talk about my body waste at the table." JJ pleaded. Spencer ducked her head down and whispered her apologies as the others chuckled.

When their food arrived, they ate mostly in silence. However, despite that, Derek could sense that Spencer was a bit uncomfortable. She kept looking at JJ and Will and shifting in her seat. She had a faraway look on her face, like she was imagining something, but if her frown was any indicator, it was making her sad.

Babies. Spencer was thinking about babies. She didn't want to admit it, but she felt jealous of JJ's ability to carry a fetus, to feel life inside of her. Spencer was terrified of having children since she knew the trait for schizophrenia often skipped a generation, and if she didn't have it, then her child had a high chance of it. Spencer thought about how much of a shitty mother she would be. She could barely take care of herself on days when she was busy composing a lecture or writing up a report. Too many times Derek has had to remind her to eat, to shower. How could she take care of a baby? She doesn't even know how to hold one, how to change a diaper, how to give a bottle, or bathe it. What if she messed up? What if she lost her temper? What if she became like her father? Or worse, her mother? She couldn't bear the thought of looking at her child and not recognizing them.

But she wanted one. Bad. She wanted to know what it was like to feel the fetus move inside of her, what it would be like to sing to it, read to it, what Derek's hands would feel like on her stomach as he smiled adoringly at Spencer and talked to it. She was devastated she’d never know what that would be like. She didn't know what had come over her. Things with her and Derek had just gotten serious, and she had only just come out to him the other night. She loved him, though. She undoubtedly wanted to marry him, just not now, not for a while. She was completely head over heels for Derek and just wanted to lead her life with him to the fullest.

She feared her thoughts on the matter weren't reciprocated, but they were. Derek thought about it every night when they laid in bed. What a ring would look like on her delicate finger. What it would feel like to take their child to the park. How happy Spencer would be to help them with their homework. He wanted to come home to her every night, tucking their child into bed before making love to her. It was beyond corny, putting a romance novel with Fabio on the cover to shame, but he loved her deeply and irrevocably. He couldn't help but think about forever.

When the group finished their meal, they all said their goodbyes, but not before JJ insisted Spencer touch her swollen belly. Spencer squealed in delight when she felt the tiniest flutter of movement and Derek couldn't help but beam at her. Will invited Derek over to watch the Bulls came next Saturday, to which he happily agreed. JJ and Spencer made plans to have a girls night and Spencer even suggested they go out with Penelope and Emily. Derek felt his heart swell as he watched the scene play out, their two little families coming together to make one.

Spencer smiled the whole car ride, her fingers interlocked with Derek's over the gearshift.

"What's got you all giddy, baby?" He asked. Spencer just smiled wider and shook her head.

"Just that. Babies." She clarified. Derek swallowed but returned her smile nonetheless.

"You ever think about having them?" He asked, already knowing the answer.

"Sometimes. Maybe one day." Spencer looked over at Derek, whose smile grew wider.

"Yeah. One day." He gave her hand a squeeze.

The pair returned to Spencer's building hand in hand, stepping inside the familiar apartment once again. Spencer immediately made her way to the bedroom, quickly grabbing something then rushing to the bathroom. Derek just smiled and shook his head, plopping down on the bed and taking off his shoes. He heard the door open and grinned to himself. When Spencer walked in, though, he couldn't help but stare blankly at her, gaping.

She was wearing honest to God lingerie, with buckles and lace and all that shit. Derek's mouth watered as he stared at her.

"I was promised round two." She said, making her way over to him. Derek regained his composure and grinned at her, taking her into his arms.

"Oh, baby, I'm already thinking about round three." He said as he dipped her and gave her a kiss. Spencer laughed and hit his arm, kissing him back with a wide smile plastered on her face. She could get used to this.


	10. How You Like Them Apples?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh gosh guys this is it, the last chapter! i hope you like the ambiguous ending. i did that on purpose since i plan on making this a series. this chapter is so sappy and romantic it made my teeth rot. i hope you like it and i look forward to adding more to this series! <3

Spencer woke to the smell of bacon, accompanied by the sound of creaky floorboards and the bedroom door opening. She blinked, bleary eyed, before sitting up slowly and taking in the room. Her eyes landed on Derek, holding a tray filled with food and a single rose placed inside a small vase. She smiled fondly at him, running her hands through her messy hair.

"What's all this? She asked, voice rough with sleep.

Derek just smiled, placing the tray on Spencer's lap. "Happy one year anniversary."

Spencer's breath caught in her throat. Some genius she was, she didn't even know what day it was. February 3rd. An entire year she had spent with Derek. She was in shock, staring at him. Then her eyes pathetically welled up with tears. Even after a year with him, Spencer was still amazed at just how much Derek cared about her. It was still hard for her to see herself the way Derek did, but he was teaching her how to everyday.

"Derek.." She croaked out. "This is- you're so- I love you." Derek smiled and touched her cheek.

"Such beauty has power. You can overturn the world with such beauty." He quoted, tenderly stroking her face.

Spencer smiled a knowing smile. "Adelaida, 'The Idiot'.”

He grinned in response.

"Okay, now stop crying, you little sap." Derek reached forward to ruffle Spencer's hair affectionately, causing it to stick up in every which way.

"After you eat, how about we take a bath together?" He laughed, trying but failing to smooth down the stray pieces.

Spencer only glared. "Nuh-uh, I see what you're planning." She swatted his hand away scoldingly. "Did you eat, though?"

Derek just grinned mischievously and walked towards the door. "Nope. I wanted to give you this first." Spencer's brows pulled together in confusion, her eyes only widening once Derek re-entered the room carrying a small bag.

"No, Derek, no presents, please. I didn't get you one, I don't-" Derek simply rolled his eyes at her.

"Shut up and open it." He insisted, thrusting the bag into Spencer's hands. She looked up at him hesitantly, then back at the bag. Cautiously, she reached inside, feeling something hard and rectangular. She wrapped her fingers around it and slowly pulled it from the bag. She nearly dropped it once she laid her eyes on it.

In her hand was a hardback book with a surreal graphic on the cover - it was one of her all time favorite novels. "'Cat's Eye'." Spencer whispered. She stroked her fingers over the spine of the book before cracking it open, when she promptly gasped.

"Derek, this is a signed first edition. How much did you pay for this?" She questioned skeptically, to which Derek just shook his head.

"It doesn't matter. Do you like it? You told me it was the first book you related to after you came out." Spencer felt tears prickling at her eyes once again. She had barely mentioned the book in passing during a conversation with Derek. She was amazed at how perceptive and attentive he was.

"I love it. I love _you_. Come here." Spencer placed the book down gingerly on the bed (she'd tuck it in and give it a goodnight kiss later) before pulling Derek down and nuzzling her nose against his. She gave him a long, gentle and chaste kiss, wetting his cheeks with tears.

"You're such a baby." Derek teased after returning the kiss. He wiped her cheeks with his thumb and laughed as Spencer rolled her eyes.

"We need never be ashamed of our tears." She said firmly, but Derek continued to laugh.

"Shut up, Charles Dickens."

Spencer smiled contently, looking down at her food when her stomach made it's emptiness apparent through a particularly loud grumble. Derek motioned for her to eat, to which she gratefully obliged. She took a few bites of her omelette, twirling her fork around as her eyes focused on the green apple Derek had placed on the tray as well.

"You know," Spencer began, dropping her fork and taking the apple tentatively in her hand, "in Ancient Greece, if you threw an apple at the person you loved, it was seen as a marriage proposal."

Derek watched as Spencer rolled the apple in her hand with soft eyes. They both shared a few seconds of unbreakable eye contact until they both grinned at each other knowingly. Spencer chucked the apple in Derek's direction, laughing wholeheartedly when he caught it and took a bite of it.

"How 'bout that, huh?" He said with his mouth full, making Spencer scrunch up her nose affectionately, her smile still burning bright.

"Yeah. How about that?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I exist in two places - here and where you are." Margaret Atwood


End file.
